Like Tin Foil In A Microwave

Ok, so now that we've all had a nice little chuckle at my expense, let's get a few things straight about my MRI experience.



First of all, I'm used to/fine with removing all jewelry and belts and piercings and answering "No" to the "Do you have any surgically implanted metal rods running up your anus to your brain?" questions. This time, the guy said it was fine to leave steel toed boots and my ring. He said since they weren't going near the entrance to the machine, it'd be fine.


Fine my ass. The very second that machine started up (and we'll get back to that later) my hand began to jiggle in some wavy, jerky shaking motion. It totally freaked me out, and I hit the bulb trigger to alert them of the issue. The booming God-Speaker voice asked what the problem was, and I said my hand was funky. One of the techs came in and said "well, why are you wearing a ring?" Um, because you told me I could, Jackass? So he took it off for me and tucked it into my cargo pocket. So, that must be the feeling tin foil gets in the micro. I have learned my lesson. I will be kinder to foil in the future.

So back to the machine itself. I've been through a fair few of these utterly horrible tests in my life. I have gotten pretty good at drugging myself a bit, dealing with it, and then retreating like a whimpering puppy till I feel better. This time, I get on the tiny slider table, position myself accordingly, and then they bring out this thing and begin to put it over my face. Those who know me know that not much throws me for a loop, but my first thought was - I'm the (wo)Man In The Iron Mask, they are going to throw me in a dungeon and my evil twin sister will rule the kingdom.

The second mental image this thing invoked - the olde tyme Scold's Bridle - the gate-like metal helmet that surrounded the head and had a spiked piece that went in the mouth to prevent speaking and to inflict pain. While it's true that this thing wasn't made of metal, and it didn't have a mouth spike, it was all too frighteningly similar.

I guess overall, the addition of this to the process of the MRI itself could seem very small or insignificant until you consider that it's around your head the entire time, keeping you immobile and more penned in that tube, if that were even possible. The last time I was there, I could listen to music on the headphones and there was a tiny mirror so you could see up into the booth where the techs were, and it kind of put you at ease to see something at all while in there. This time, there was nothing.
Less than nothing.

There was a frikking hard plastic band over my head and eyes (maybe more over my eyes because I'm a shorter person) and it caused panic. Utter mental end-of-the-world breakdown in my head. Then add the freaking odd uber loud sounds and you have a party. I could have dealt, but because there is no longer music headphones, they put these yellow sound muffling tings inside your ears, and when you have balance issues and noise issues and now you can't see even with your eyes open, it's insane sounding.

I was SO unhappy this time.

I swear, just find the problem areas and chop them out with a hacksaw so that I don't have to go through this anymore. That's what I want. Roto-Rooter it all out. have the guys from Ghost Hunters come and do the Roto-Rooter thing, then hunt for ghosts in my skull. It'll be a party.