Vanilla Chai Tea, How I Love Thee! -A Guest Post from Christy Cole Quast

I have recently discovered (much to my already calorically-challenged dismay) Dunkin Donuts Vanilla Chai tea at my local DD near my office. Their mint hot chocolate is good, too--and nothing beats the SBUX Peppermint Mocha Latte, but I am here to talk about Dunkin. Seems that this delightfully sinful & seasonal hot beverage only comes in a Medium size. Do I look like a Medium gal to you?

So this morning I asked my guy, Raj, what was up with that--how come I can't get a large, or an extra-large--because I love them so much? So he shrugs and says matter-of-factly "so you buy another one when that one is done." That is a brilliant, almost dumber-than-a-bag-of-hammers marketing ploy, but I have to say it works! They're $2.50 each and I get 2 per day (WHAT?! Don't judge me!) so they got me there.

I think to myself, I don't want to make the trip TWICE, and I don't want to buy 2 Medium cups to have on my desk while I drink one, and have the other one sitting all alone, cooling... depressed.


Why oh Why Can't I Be LARGE!?!

 So I decide to proposition Raj: will 2 Mediums fit in a Large cup? I'll pay for 2 Mediums, just put them in the same cup; Raj says it won't fit. *exaggerated eye-roll*

Then I ask, OK how about a Medium and a Small together in a Large cup; Raj says but we only sell Medium. *forehead slap*

I explain, yes, I know that--I will give you $6 (keep the change) if you just fill a Large cup with Vanilla Chai and charge me for 2 separate Mediums; Raj smiles and talks to me like I talk to my 4th grader--enunciating clearly, loudly and S-L-O-W-L-Y so I have a better chance at comprehending what he is trying to say: BUT THEY ONLY COME IN MEDIUM. *feels a migraine coming on*

Of course, this is 8:15am this morning, and the line was getting longer. And before the woman behind me could gouge my eyes out with one of those sharp plastic coffee stirrers, I capitulated and admitted defeat; Raj has won this round, but I'll be back tomorrow to try and wear him down. Oh yes--I recognize a challenge when I see one; you'd better brew with one eye open, Raj because I'M COMING FOR YOU!

Forget the Mayan Calendar - My Dreams Could Create Worldwide Panic!

I had a horrid night last night, with dreams within dreams that I struggled to awake from, only to find I was awake inside of another dream.  At times I was crouched and sweating on the floor of my room next to the bed trying to collate the fractured pieces of the dreams that  I could remember.  I'm going to stream of consciousness what I can right here and now to get  some of it out.  I will also note that several people I spoke to today have told me that last night was restless or nightmare ridden for them as well.  Interesting. 

So, here we go:  Familiar spaces, like homes I have lived in or stayed in all bungled into one string-like scene where everything took place.

Even in the dreams, I was mostly in a bedroom area, trying to stop something from clawing into the room through the wall.  Most times I got a glimpse of what/who was clawing, it was a small girl, dark and long hair, sometimes in anime fashion, sometimes in a very "The Grudge" way.



Just when I thought I had woken up, this essentially shit me awake.

At other times in the dream, it would switch to a perspective where I wasn't being hunted or haunted, but instead, it was up to me to keep people I love safe.  It was kind of a surreal Walking Dead/American Horror Story Basement/Resident Evil landscape.  It was trippy.  No cars worked, no escapes were possible, but I had to fight off evil and clever monsters.  One such resembled her


Continual battle of the pointy teeth and my flesh.

No matter how hard I tried, I was torn to bits, and someone I cared for took a decent hit/got a chunk taken from them.  I continued to wake partly, into another dream where I was in my actual room - every detail was correct - but I wasn't really awake, and I couldn't move well, and inevitably something was coming for me and I had no defenses.  Once it would get within striking distance, it would lunge, and I would muster up enough to physically scream myself awake.  This happened several times.  I finally gave up, stopped hyperventilating, and stayed awake for the rest of the early morning. 

It wasn't just in my 'hood'.  I got the impression that it was happening all over, and that I was only privy to seeing what was directly around me or what impacted me.  I did note that I never felt as though Lisa was in danger, so I guess the south is protected in some way.



Look how the monster hides behind a little fishy.



Pity, Not So Much of a Party.

Forgive the whimper, but better that than wine....  Oh!  The puns!

Seriously though, this has been my frame of mind for a while now, and I'm wondering if I've reached a breaking point.  Thinking back - some of you know from my earlier stuff that I started addictions early.

Me Grocery Shopping circa 1976

I've been a quietly sober adult for somewhere around 17+ years now.  I did it the hard way, and I did it many times in the beginning, but it's been a solid run for about 16 years.  A lot of folks will tell you that 'you ain't done it right if you only done it once...' heh - I digress.

Now I'm having a horrible crisis of staying power.  I'm up to my neck in troubling issues - but who isn't in this crazy world?  I'm reaching the point where it's frustrating me that so many people can turn off the bright fractured light that scorches my eye sockets daily.  I feel pain, sadness, fear beyond belief every day for the last few months.  I do all I can to control it, and deal with it.  At the end of most days, I'm talking myself down from a panic attack just to get to sleep for a few hours.  So, I'm fretting hard because in my mind, I'm convincing myself that I've been soooooooo gooooooood for sooooooo loooooong that I should be fine if I just grab a quick drink or two.  And I know where that thought process leads, but I'm seriously not feeling all that compassionate towards myself in this predicament.  I see close friends and family who obliterate themselves in the name of self pity, and I think "Why can't I take a little pity on the rocks for myself as well?"  I'm very confident that I wouldn't escalate from a Jack 'n Coke to a needle.  I really think that I can control myself, but the tiny bit of doubt has me sweating.  What if I'm wrong?  What if I undo all those years of work?  Sometimes I get selfishly grumpy that no one has to know my suffering about NOT being able to drink until I no longer have to think about shit.  I get to hear about how others had a bad day, so they are off to forget about it.  I can't forget.  I am not allowed to use the shut off valve any more, and it really really fucking sucks.  So, for now, I'll post stupid demotivational pics on here and convince myself that I'm just being a whiny bitch and go drink some fucking tea.  Yeah me.  Woo.

HS Graduation?

I've seen so many toilets, and loved them all!

Yeah.  I had those friends too. 

Keep on WALKEN!!

Yeah Yeah...  I'm the mistress of bad puns, but I can't help it.  I just wanted to share something non-law suit related that isn't depressing and whiny.  So, I want to give a quick mega-mega thumbs up to a flick I just caught on cable last night.  (I can tell I'm getting old - I just called a movie channel on tv "cable")   I stumbled across it last night, and I will watch any-fecking-thing that has Christopher Walken.  Serious, funny, violent, sweet - I don't care.  He is THE MAN. 


I digress.  So I found The Addiction last night and I was transfixed.   First, Abel Ferrara made a visual stunner.  A very high contrast B&W brought out the perfection of the moods in ever scene.  Stellar performance by Lili Taylor.  I was shocked to see Anabella Sciorra, Edie Falco, Kathryn Erbe, and a few others I recognized.  The general gist is the idea of Vampirism in a more visceral, real form centered in NYC with a huge emphasis on status, philosophy, good vs. evil and in-depth theories of addiction.  The addiction side is not a hidden theme, as it's literally compared to drug addiction, even going so far as to have Walken's character (a long time vamp who has retrained his body to adapt to not feeding, and to eat, sleep and behave in human society) say to Taylor's younger and uncontrolled vamp character "You know how long I've been fasting? Forty years. The last time I shot up, I had a dozen and a half in one night. They fall like flies before the hunger, don't they? You can never get enough, can you? But you learn to control it. You learn, like the Tibetans, to survive on a little."   She briefly attempts this, meanwhile achieving her pre-vamp goal of her PhD, only to be unable to resist the blood lust; and with the help of her fledglings slaughter the very faculty and staff after graduation at a small soiree  Taylor has a very drug-OD moment in the streets of NY and the voice says "We drink to escape the fact we're alcoholics. Existence is the search for relief from our habit, and our habit is the only relief we can find." in a poignant reference to why she did it.  I've never felt as though someone could capture the true feeling of that kind of addiction, but it truly was perfect. 



It does get a little obtuse at times, venturing into almost pretentious goth emo-ism, however, these tangents aren't long lasting, and Taylor more than convinces you that even if you aren't understanding what she's saying, it's of vital importence and you let it go.  I get the deeper meanings I wasn't thrilled at all with the ending, which appeared to be a vague and uncertain copout, but then again, I might have missed something. I really enjoyed when Taylor lays out her horror at what she is, in the grand scheme of the world, and yet the wording is perfect to open it to every individual, of humans as one race - "I finally understand what all this is, how it was all possible. Now I see, good lord, how we must look from out there. Our addiction is evil. The propensity for this evil lies in our weakness before it. Kierkegaard was right - there is an awful precipice before us. But he was wrong about the leap - there's a difference between jumping and being pushed. You reach a point where you are forced to face your own needs, and the fact that you can't terminate the situation settles on you with full force."  All in all, Taylor and my beloved Walken give amazing performances that demand to be watched with riveted eyes.   I strongly recommend this flick!  It's not available for rental, as far as I can find.  I think you'd need to look it up on your cable provider.  It's worth it!

And now, MY moment of Walken...

A Douche A Day...

Well, you know the rest of that rhyme.  I just had to stop and say that I encountered a douche of ginormous proportions today, and I have to say, I am sincerely glad that I did.  Here's why.

I don't know this person, I only know of him through a friend.  He said some things of douche nozzle style, and, hard as it is to believe this - I actually took it kinda poorly.  Admittedly - I'm dealing with a lot on my plate (see: epic court battle plus my work stress, plus the possibility to my wife being deported, therefore leaving us no choice but to relocate in another country due to the unfair and unequal laws of my beloved country).  Still, what was said was a monumentally douche canoe thing to say.  I felt shame, guilt, helplessness and just plain dirty all over again.   But here's the catch -

I hadn't been dealing with it, and allowing this person's stinky ways to make me feel powerless left me feeling, not so fresh.  When I took a step back, took a deep breath (through my mouth, because, well... not so fresh) and realized that I was not in control of myself.  Relief washed over me.  I felt cleansed and renewed.  I really got up in there and changed my perspective, and it mirrored what I've been feeling about someone else lately who is behaving in a very similar fashion.  The emotions were spurting forth, and I was so full of energy, I wanted to play tennis or ride a horse.

So, Thanks a heap to the tremendous douches I encounter in this world.  As I learn to deal with each of you, I learn to deal with myself, and in this way the douche canoes of the universe really can't hurt me anymore.

Oh, and don't forget that the top of this page has a shiny donation button - in case you want to help us with a deeper clean!  ;)

A Halloween Reverse Trick or Treat!!

Hello Guys and Ghouls We've been a little absent - or ghostly even. I wanted to post a quick note to explain that there is a shiny new feature on our blog. It is nothing we ever wanted to put there, and it's a humbling and almost embarrassing thing to have to resort to, but those of you who know our current situation will know why it's there. It's a shiny new pretty yellow PayPal Donate button. We've set up a secure way to have friends, family, strangers who support the cause, or random drive bys to help us out. We have no illusions that we'd make the $15K we need to raise this week, but the point of the donation button is that even a dollar here and there will totally help defray the costs and keep us afloat while we do battle in courts of law.

So, in the spirit of Halloween, help us defend our castle and lives against an evil ogre! Wear a costume while you donate. Wear costumes while you share our link with other costume wearing folk. I can't promise any candy in return (and I can't say anything about tax breaks because we aren't a non-profit) but I will tell you that fighting to keep Lisa and I together in the home we made together for 6 years, that is indeed a tasty, chocolate wrapped prospect that we can all share in.

No matter if you can help with donations, spreading the word and the link, or just leaving us some words of encouragement - it's all anon anyway, and we love each and every person who takes the time even just to read this and think about us - send us some good energy for the battle ahead. It's taking a toll, but we won't let the Troll win!
If anyone wants more in depth information about what is going on and why we are doing this, paying no attention to the man behind the curtain, contact us privately. All I will say is, what would normally be a small inconvenience for most US citizens becomes a battle to prove our side to avoid deportation. Unlike the opposition, we will remain tactful and professional. The best revenge isn't revenge at all - it's using the truth to prevail in unfair situations without sinking to a scummy level.

So, Alice, Lisa and I thank you - for anything and everything you do. <3 <3 <3

Wistful Thinking

I am becoming a bit disheartened by the way life has become extremely Sisyphean of late. I have maintained a positive outlook for so long, that I've confused it with a version of reality that simply does not exist.
While I do love me some Camus, I disagree with his noted take on the myth (in his "The Myth of Sisyphus") saying "'Sisyphus as personifying the absurdity of human life, but "one must imagine Sisyphus happy" as "The struggle itself towards the heights is enough to fill a man's heart.'"

Ummmm. No. While I am 100% about the path and the journey, I believe that the episodes that present themselves to us are learning tools and opportunities of all kinds. i believe that they have purpose, and therefore can be ignored, attempted, abandoned, accomplished, or truly inspiring. I also believe - if you follow the original myth - that the punishment fit for his trickery of the Gods has nothing to do with 'normal' human suffering. In a way, I could see it as an addended version of reliving our lives to learn the lessons we failed to grasp. More than this, I see a connection to what is gained by hard work. This would emphasize the issue I am dealing with right now. I cannot find a correlation to the extertion I put forth and the result that is achieved.

I have lost a valuable sense of self worth, and in this aspect, I feel as though I am in a Sisyphean struggle... a constrant struggle both inner and outer to achieve value of self and the vain struggle for knowledge that continues to elude me. The struggle for financial worth - while a noted part of human suffering as per my own Buddhist ideology - is something I cannot give up. In this day and age, the very best a person can hope for is employment that offers the main components within living th 8-Fold Path. Right Livelihood is one of the things I strived for. The rest of how I try to live is as follows - Formatted for my Geek Friends:

I am trying, but I feel a little conflicted and alone sometimes, and I do not wish to cause others to shoulder the boulder, as it were, along with me.

I'd love comments, advice, or just thoughts from others about similar feelings or even opposing feelings. Let's sit with coffee and discuss.

*sits back waiting*

Inner Peace vs Innards in Pieces

If a Miss America contestant came up to me spouting cheerfully about wanting world peace right this instant, I would punch her in the right boob and then backhand her for good measure.  Ok, I'd rather it be Michelle Bachmann spewing about the evils of tehGeys.   

How can I be certain those would be my exact actions?  Simple.  I'm right handed, so landing a good swing with my right fist lands it squarely on her right boob (all things considered equal in height and such), leaving me time to backhand her with the same offending hand while she grabbed said injured mammary and looked right at me with that wounded puppy shock and awe with mouth agape - ripe for the smacking.  I can almost hear the Prodigy pumping in the soundtrack for this moment in time.  Wait, maybe it'd be a Tom Petty tune.  

Gee, Barbara.  You are always the epitome of calm and rationale.  You study the Buddhist life path.  You are always settling arguments with compassion.  The Dalai Lama calls you for meditation advice when China is pissing him off and he wants to choke a bitch.  AND you're so pretty!
This is all so true, but there is an often overlooked caveat - I am PRACTICING this path in my life.  At this moment, I'd say that I need a little lot more practice. 

Yet, I still feel as though with all that is happening to me, in me, and around me - I am proud of how well I am holding up.  I am facing down lying political pricks who are stripping me bare of every basic right.  I'm fighting for my job and the jobs of the people I work with, since I'm in negotiations for my union.  I am battling fear over my own health issues.  I am at war grumpy with US Immigration and doing all in my power to stop them from separating me from my wife through deportation.  I have wanted to break down entirely and give up, but some good shines down.  Even though sometimes the good in disguised as a breakdown in our car, a tow to another state, sickness, obstacles - I smile back to think it meant spending more time with people I love, being 'forced' to slow things down, and generally look at things in different ways. 

Yep.  I'm still practicing and learning.  I'd love to be omnipotent and omniscient, and omnipresent, and omnivorous...  wait - I AM that last one for certain.  Well, the rest of 'em.  Yet, that would signal the end of my journey - and I don't think I'm really that evolved smart yet.  So, I subject myself to this world and it's people, and work very hard to overcome my own obstacles and practice compassion in my every day life.  Hopefully, I will continue to grow and brave these storms.  

In the meantime, I'm just itching to run into a pageant girl while I am still amped with residual unfocused anger.   Actually, I'm not picky.  I'd be just as happy punching a priest, nun, paedophile, country music star, or any Kardashian.  Oh Hell - I just want it to be Bachmann!

Of Teeth and Fairies

Today, Lisa officially lost her wisdom... teeth.  Or some of them, anyway.  My Mom was gracious enough to accompany her, take her home, and stay with her since I am here at work and HATE dentists.  I figured that it was better that Lisa was with someone who has had a LOT of practice with dentist patients, since I was almost constantly have procedures done for most of my young and teen life.  I detest the dentist.  Not the person, mind you, but what that person does.  Therefore, not having me by her side freaking out and lamenting the evils of the profession was something I believe to be a good thing. 

I got a call that all went well, and that she's home resting with my Mom looking after her.  I'm glad to have the juicer now because it will be a great way to get nutrition into her without her having to chew on anything.  I'll try to throw something interesting together for tonight's "meal" for her.  Muah ha ha!

Send the poor lass some love if you get the time.  She'll enjoy reading the well wishes when she's coherent. 

Kristen Gillibrand and DOMA

A small forewarning - this might sound like advocacy. That's because it is.

Senator Kristen Gillibrand has been a HUGE help to the LGBT community over the last 6 months, and I've said before that personally, if it wouldn't split up two marriages, I would happily have her babies. Currently, she's leading an initiative to help repeal the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA). This is a big deal for me and the wife, because it would mean that she could sponsor me - in the same way as a heterosexual citizen can sponsor their spouse. We're over the $100,000 mark on how much we've spent for the luxury of spending the last 5 years together in the same country - this would not only reduce our financial burden, but also make it possible for couples who don't have assets they can so easily liquify. It's also the right thing to do.

Kirsten says:

"Recently, President Obama ordered the Justice Department to stop defending DOMA in federal court. This is a huge first step, but the fact is that as long as DOMA remains on the books it will continue to be enforced until Congress repeals it legislatively."

DOMA is an indefensible, unconstitutional law that denies rights to far too many of its citizens. I'd quote a figure there, but the polls always come out with totally different numbers. I will tell you, though, that there are 1,138 rights denied to US citizens because of this unjust law.

Suffice to say, that the documented 'safe' guess of binational couples in which one partner is a US citizen is 36,000. We know it's more.

Give me a reason why I should not have the right to marry the person I love. If it's religious in nature, please remember that this country is not a theocracy, and that your God is probably not the same as mine - and neither has more power over the constitution of one country than the other.

There are many other reasons to support the repeal of DOMA - but on this blog, and in our house, the immigration rights are the most important.

Please support Kirsten Gillibrand, and Senator Dianne Feinstein in their introduction tomorrow of legislation that will repeal DOMA, once and for all.

You can show your support by signing this letter, urging Congress to repeal this discriminatory and unconstitutional law. We couldn't thank you enough. This has to go - and with a Republican-controlled House, right now it's going to be a tough, tough fight.