Wistful Thinking

I am becoming a bit disheartened by the way life has become extremely Sisyphean of late. I have maintained a positive outlook for so long, that I've confused it with a version of reality that simply does not exist.
While I do love me some Camus, I disagree with his noted take on the myth (in his "The Myth of Sisyphus") saying "'Sisyphus as personifying the absurdity of human life, but "one must imagine Sisyphus happy" as "The struggle itself towards the heights is enough to fill a man's heart.'"

Ummmm. No. While I am 100% about the path and the journey, I believe that the episodes that present themselves to us are learning tools and opportunities of all kinds. i believe that they have purpose, and therefore can be ignored, attempted, abandoned, accomplished, or truly inspiring. I also believe - if you follow the original myth - that the punishment fit for his trickery of the Gods has nothing to do with 'normal' human suffering. In a way, I could see it as an addended version of reliving our lives to learn the lessons we failed to grasp. More than this, I see a connection to what is gained by hard work. This would emphasize the issue I am dealing with right now. I cannot find a correlation to the extertion I put forth and the result that is achieved.

I have lost a valuable sense of self worth, and in this aspect, I feel as though I am in a Sisyphean struggle... a constrant struggle both inner and outer to achieve value of self and the vain struggle for knowledge that continues to elude me. The struggle for financial worth - while a noted part of human suffering as per my own Buddhist ideology - is something I cannot give up. In this day and age, the very best a person can hope for is employment that offers the main components within living th 8-Fold Path. Right Livelihood is one of the things I strived for. The rest of how I try to live is as follows - Formatted for my Geek Friends:

I am trying, but I feel a little conflicted and alone sometimes, and I do not wish to cause others to shoulder the boulder, as it were, along with me.

I'd love comments, advice, or just thoughts from others about similar feelings or even opposing feelings. Let's sit with coffee and discuss.

*sits back waiting*

Bad Bad Wife

That's me. I'm a bad wife.

This year has had so much going on for me, what with a potential move to Ethiopia, massive panic over impending 30-tude, and getting increasingly involved in politics. It's had so much going on that I have inadvertently completely thrown everybody I care about by the wayside. I don't know what my Wife wants for Rohatsu.

I could look within myself and pull up things that I know she loves, but I've been so damned introspective for most of the year, that I don't even know what those things are right now. It's been all "Me-me-me."

Next year will be better. Next year will NOT be all about me.

For now though, I'm taking gift suggestions...

Karmic Chameleon

This weekend brought about a lot of conversations that revolved around or involved in some way Karma. I believe in karma. I have believed in it in various ways over the years, and as I have grown up and taken the path more seriously, my understanding of it has changed greatly.

What I noticed right lately is that many people I know regard karma as a weapon or a revenge/payback method - kind of a pay-to-play for some. I see people who get hurt by others waiting around to see that person get hurt by another in return, and gleefully remark that it was the work of Karma. There are so many things about this trend that I see, and in some cases, the waiting for 'karmic retribution' overtakes that person's life, and they become miserable and preoccupied with the past, unable to live in the present while so consumed by all of the feelings and waiting.

I am no saint, and I know I was not a very nice person in my past. I am certain that there might still be a few people who are waiting to see a similar karmic kickback give a solid, stinging comic book-esque THWACK!! to my ass. While I can understand this feeling, and admit to having it myself before, I am really wanting these people to let go.

Easy for me to say, if I was the one who hurt them or wronged them; but I am saying it with the most open heart, and the most honest intentions. If I have learned lessons to share while on my own journey, surely this is a big one. Karma is the idea that your actions (and thoughts) will have an impact on your life, either now or in a future life. Reincarnation is one of the things often linked to the idea of karma. You might wait a lifetime to see something negative happen to someone, only to see them die before it does, or for you yourself to die without seeing anything. What has this gained for you? Nothing. You spent your life waiting for retribution, missing all of the wondrous and beautiful things that could happen to you in the meantime. You would miss living in the present. You could miss the chance to live freely, mindfully and happily. Just because you don't actively seek a physical revenge from someone does not mean that the revenge will not consume you. I have had to do this a lot in recent years. Consciously put aside the angers or the hurt that someone might have caused me. I had to fully let them go and not relate with past occurrences to interfere with my present life. Karma is not to be controlled by us, and we can only strive to be as aware of our actions as we can be, living mindfully, harming no one, and loving everyone. Forgiveness must be complete and total, or else you open yourself up to dwelling on things- and that will only cause more obstacles than you can overcome, and block you from reaching a true enlightened state.

Since my wish is for all the people on the earth to live harmoniously, peacefully, and lovingly I hope that all people; especially those who might feel that at some point in life I have brought them harm, hurt, or chaos; to move on from that place, and release themselves. You are the only person who can bring peace to your life. I'm not saying that the other people in your life are unimportant, or that loving them is unimportant. I am saying that your focus must be on yourself - and mindful living - to bring peace to yourself and those around you.

Beauty Inside and Out

Many of you know I'm questing; or walking the path, if you'd rather that expression. Whatever you choose to cal it, I'm a practicing Buddhist and a very happy one. In the past, when I've tried to get more serious about my practice, things have always gotten in the way - specifically myself. Now, I feel as though I am ready to understand and process the teachings and live the way I really want to.

As a part of this and with Lisa's support, I've begun to draw and paint again. It's early, so I am a bit hard on myself, but it centers me and it's a form of meditation I am using and I couldn't be happier about it. I feel like I glow from within when I'm doing it.

Also, I've been adding to my tattoo collection. Some people have asked me if this doesn't contradict the idea that Buddhists should not be attached to worldly things. I pondered long and hard about this, read up as much as I could and I found that attachment for Buddhists isn't what a lot of people would believe. I got certain Buddhist symbols, and positioned them in places on my body they way I wanted them, and when I see them, I smile and I'm reminded to breathe mindfully, and to take that moment and act with compassion rather than another emotion that might be negative and I am trying to break. I do not sit around and pet the tattoos as though they are an object I possess and crave and attach myself to in that respect. I like the idea that this 'permanent' (huge laugh since nothing is permanent) symbol on my body will assist me in the earlier stages of my path to have the right intentions, actions, and continual mindfulness.

With this, I leave you with the images of the most recent additions as of this weekend, and I am happy to be working on creating the next set. Namaste everyone!

The 5th Day of Holiday

Hello folks,

Yes, it's me. Yes, it's late. The two are connected. My Ligie just crawled in from work and into bed and simply has no energy, so I am standing in for her, for one night only. Whatever you do, don't try the veal.

Alice has been visited by the ghost of Christmas My-Mother-Had-Herpes, the poor mite, and has a giant zitlike growth on her bottom lip. We're not overly worried: she had one a few months ago and after a panicked rush to our vet, we were assured that it was kitty puberty. That said, this one's been there a while and is looking oh-so-sore, so I'm going to run her back in tomorrow.

Today was CFU's non-real-employee Holiday Party. The real employees have theirs tomorrow, off-site, all swanky-like. It's not like I'd go if they asked me (I still have lingering resentment), but they make me feel all Mafia, like "Someone's gotta teach these cats a lesson in respect." This made me feel antagonistic enough that I wore my "For Good Luck Rub My Tummy" shirt:

Hey, you made it a "Holiday Party." Celebrate this, bitches.

Which kinda, y'know, goes against all the Buddhist teachings. I still have a lot to learn.

08-08-08 and Some Thoughts

While many people are celebrating the beginning of the Olympics today, my mind is firmly and gently focused on the events of the past that are interwoven parts of today's historical tapestry. While people are trying to wrestle with their consciences about watching or supporting the activities this year, I am trying to research and take more active steps toward passive activism for the communities affected.

What the hell am I talking about?

20 years ago there was this numerical history in the uprising in Burma. See 08/08/1988

Also, I have conflicted opinions about supporting a gathering meant to expand and celebrate the world coming together in the name of peace and sporting competition, celebrating differences and accepting each other. My conflict? It's being held in a land notorious for human rights violations. The continued oppression and attacks on Tibet being one of my biggest issues. Now i see news reports all over about how the Chinese government are denying and revoking the travel Visas for athletes who show any type of Pro-Tibetan or political opinion. Most recently, Speed skater Cheeky was denied his travel only days before he was to leave. The government has been quoted as saying that any type of demonstration of political views or protests would not be permitted and the people involved would be detained, prosecuted, or otherwise dealt with. Such a negative and ominous message is so disturbing. Also disturbing was the response of US President Bush when asked to address the issue with the Chinese government when he was there. He said something to the effect that he did not feel it was his duty to address these issues, and that he had made his opinions on human rights clear in our own country. how are we, as a country, supposed to be taken seriously as defenders of human rights when we war with some to "defend their human rights" and ignore some others' cries for help?

I'm just confused, I guess. I'm also at a loss about how to meditate on these issues when they make it so hard to focus - when things are so convoluted?

Just a few thoughts, IMHO.