Forget the Mayan Calendar - My Dreams Could Create Worldwide Panic!

I had a horrid night last night, with dreams within dreams that I struggled to awake from, only to find I was awake inside of another dream.  At times I was crouched and sweating on the floor of my room next to the bed trying to collate the fractured pieces of the dreams that  I could remember.  I'm going to stream of consciousness what I can right here and now to get  some of it out.  I will also note that several people I spoke to today have told me that last night was restless or nightmare ridden for them as well.  Interesting. 

So, here we go:  Familiar spaces, like homes I have lived in or stayed in all bungled into one string-like scene where everything took place.

Even in the dreams, I was mostly in a bedroom area, trying to stop something from clawing into the room through the wall.  Most times I got a glimpse of what/who was clawing, it was a small girl, dark and long hair, sometimes in anime fashion, sometimes in a very "The Grudge" way.



Just when I thought I had woken up, this essentially shit me awake.

At other times in the dream, it would switch to a perspective where I wasn't being hunted or haunted, but instead, it was up to me to keep people I love safe.  It was kind of a surreal Walking Dead/American Horror Story Basement/Resident Evil landscape.  It was trippy.  No cars worked, no escapes were possible, but I had to fight off evil and clever monsters.  One such resembled her


Continual battle of the pointy teeth and my flesh.

No matter how hard I tried, I was torn to bits, and someone I cared for took a decent hit/got a chunk taken from them.  I continued to wake partly, into another dream where I was in my actual room - every detail was correct - but I wasn't really awake, and I couldn't move well, and inevitably something was coming for me and I had no defenses.  Once it would get within striking distance, it would lunge, and I would muster up enough to physically scream myself awake.  This happened several times.  I finally gave up, stopped hyperventilating, and stayed awake for the rest of the early morning. 

It wasn't just in my 'hood'.  I got the impression that it was happening all over, and that I was only privy to seeing what was directly around me or what impacted me.  I did note that I never felt as though Lisa was in danger, so I guess the south is protected in some way.



Look how the monster hides behind a little fishy.



Pity, Not So Much of a Party.

Forgive the whimper, but better that than wine....  Oh!  The puns!

Seriously though, this has been my frame of mind for a while now, and I'm wondering if I've reached a breaking point.  Thinking back - some of you know from my earlier stuff that I started addictions early.

Me Grocery Shopping circa 1976

I've been a quietly sober adult for somewhere around 17+ years now.  I did it the hard way, and I did it many times in the beginning, but it's been a solid run for about 16 years.  A lot of folks will tell you that 'you ain't done it right if you only done it once...' heh - I digress.

Now I'm having a horrible crisis of staying power.  I'm up to my neck in troubling issues - but who isn't in this crazy world?  I'm reaching the point where it's frustrating me that so many people can turn off the bright fractured light that scorches my eye sockets daily.  I feel pain, sadness, fear beyond belief every day for the last few months.  I do all I can to control it, and deal with it.  At the end of most days, I'm talking myself down from a panic attack just to get to sleep for a few hours.  So, I'm fretting hard because in my mind, I'm convincing myself that I've been soooooooo gooooooood for sooooooo loooooong that I should be fine if I just grab a quick drink or two.  And I know where that thought process leads, but I'm seriously not feeling all that compassionate towards myself in this predicament.  I see close friends and family who obliterate themselves in the name of self pity, and I think "Why can't I take a little pity on the rocks for myself as well?"  I'm very confident that I wouldn't escalate from a Jack 'n Coke to a needle.  I really think that I can control myself, but the tiny bit of doubt has me sweating.  What if I'm wrong?  What if I undo all those years of work?  Sometimes I get selfishly grumpy that no one has to know my suffering about NOT being able to drink until I no longer have to think about shit.  I get to hear about how others had a bad day, so they are off to forget about it.  I can't forget.  I am not allowed to use the shut off valve any more, and it really really fucking sucks.  So, for now, I'll post stupid demotivational pics on here and convince myself that I'm just being a whiny bitch and go drink some fucking tea.  Yeah me.  Woo.

HS Graduation?

I've seen so many toilets, and loved them all!

Yeah.  I had those friends too. 

Keep on WALKEN!!

Yeah Yeah...  I'm the mistress of bad puns, but I can't help it.  I just wanted to share something non-law suit related that isn't depressing and whiny.  So, I want to give a quick mega-mega thumbs up to a flick I just caught on cable last night.  (I can tell I'm getting old - I just called a movie channel on tv "cable")   I stumbled across it last night, and I will watch any-fecking-thing that has Christopher Walken.  Serious, funny, violent, sweet - I don't care.  He is THE MAN. 


I digress.  So I found The Addiction last night and I was transfixed.   First, Abel Ferrara made a visual stunner.  A very high contrast B&W brought out the perfection of the moods in ever scene.  Stellar performance by Lili Taylor.  I was shocked to see Anabella Sciorra, Edie Falco, Kathryn Erbe, and a few others I recognized.  The general gist is the idea of Vampirism in a more visceral, real form centered in NYC with a huge emphasis on status, philosophy, good vs. evil and in-depth theories of addiction.  The addiction side is not a hidden theme, as it's literally compared to drug addiction, even going so far as to have Walken's character (a long time vamp who has retrained his body to adapt to not feeding, and to eat, sleep and behave in human society) say to Taylor's younger and uncontrolled vamp character "You know how long I've been fasting? Forty years. The last time I shot up, I had a dozen and a half in one night. They fall like flies before the hunger, don't they? You can never get enough, can you? But you learn to control it. You learn, like the Tibetans, to survive on a little."   She briefly attempts this, meanwhile achieving her pre-vamp goal of her PhD, only to be unable to resist the blood lust; and with the help of her fledglings slaughter the very faculty and staff after graduation at a small soiree  Taylor has a very drug-OD moment in the streets of NY and the voice says "We drink to escape the fact we're alcoholics. Existence is the search for relief from our habit, and our habit is the only relief we can find." in a poignant reference to why she did it.  I've never felt as though someone could capture the true feeling of that kind of addiction, but it truly was perfect. 



It does get a little obtuse at times, venturing into almost pretentious goth emo-ism, however, these tangents aren't long lasting, and Taylor more than convinces you that even if you aren't understanding what she's saying, it's of vital importence and you let it go.  I get the deeper meanings I wasn't thrilled at all with the ending, which appeared to be a vague and uncertain copout, but then again, I might have missed something. I really enjoyed when Taylor lays out her horror at what she is, in the grand scheme of the world, and yet the wording is perfect to open it to every individual, of humans as one race - "I finally understand what all this is, how it was all possible. Now I see, good lord, how we must look from out there. Our addiction is evil. The propensity for this evil lies in our weakness before it. Kierkegaard was right - there is an awful precipice before us. But he was wrong about the leap - there's a difference between jumping and being pushed. You reach a point where you are forced to face your own needs, and the fact that you can't terminate the situation settles on you with full force."  All in all, Taylor and my beloved Walken give amazing performances that demand to be watched with riveted eyes.   I strongly recommend this flick!  It's not available for rental, as far as I can find.  I think you'd need to look it up on your cable provider.  It's worth it!

And now, MY moment of Walken...