Haiku of Motherhood

She can't understand
why Mummy isn't there;
only knows I'm gone.

Potential Return

Hi all,

I know, I know, I've been freakishly absent. The truth is, I have so many stories to tell, but I guess I slipped into a bit of a depression back there, because I didn't think they were worth you listening to. Anyway, I'm working on getting out of the funk, and the first step of that was to actually sign into the blog for the first time in over a month.

So I return. And in this order, I will bestow upon you the stories of:

• The Korean seafood/beef platter


• The incessant Sarah Palin dreams


• The highs of actually having insurance now...


• ...and the lows of seeing my old doctor


• Our foray (Oh sweet Jesus, I just wrote fourway.) into the Blackberry lifestyle.

There might even be a story in there about Easy Bake Ovens. If you ask nice.

You stopped listening when I said fourway, didn't you? Gutterheads!

For now, I must bid you adieu, although I have not warranted this favor. Last night, I spent forty-five minutes on the deck finishing up Jeffrey Deaver's Roadside Crosses, and became mozzie-chum. Damn wee beasties. I'm all covered in lumps and bumps, and it's taking every last bit of will power (with which I am not particularly blessed) not to scratch off my own legs. Perhaps I will have Alice do it for me.

The 5th Day of Holiday

Hello folks,

Yes, it's me. Yes, it's late. The two are connected. My Ligie just crawled in from work and into bed and simply has no energy, so I am standing in for her, for one night only. Whatever you do, don't try the veal.

Alice has been visited by the ghost of Christmas My-Mother-Had-Herpes, the poor mite, and has a giant zitlike growth on her bottom lip. We're not overly worried: she had one a few months ago and after a panicked rush to our vet, we were assured that it was kitty puberty. That said, this one's been there a while and is looking oh-so-sore, so I'm going to run her back in tomorrow.

Today was CFU's non-real-employee Holiday Party. The real employees have theirs tomorrow, off-site, all swanky-like. It's not like I'd go if they asked me (I still have lingering resentment), but they make me feel all Mafia, like "Someone's gotta teach these cats a lesson in respect." This made me feel antagonistic enough that I wore my "For Good Luck Rub My Tummy" shirt:

Hey, you made it a "Holiday Party." Celebrate this, bitches.

Which kinda, y'know, goes against all the Buddhist teachings. I still have a lot to learn.

Addendum

Approximately 10 minutes after this post yesterday, it was brought to my attention that Alice was hungry. Because her bowl had been licked clean of her hard, crunchy food.

Now I understand. Shower affection on those who might feed you. Just like her mother.

Clingy Kitty

Alice has been particularly clingy today, barely letting me out of her sight, and determined to climb on me when it looked as though I was attempting to do something else. Like work. Or breathe.



I guess Alice knows today has been a tough day for my sweetie (who I'm sure will update in due course), and in Barbara's absence due to the two jobs, has decided that I will have to accept all the love and support she has. It's a tough job, but I'll manage.

Visual Basic Variables

Today, while tutoring a student in Visual Basic, I referred to the variables in such a way as to incur an observation from her. I described the newly-declared variables as having that squiggly green line underneath them as a warning, rather than as an error message. The green line simply means that the variable hasn't been used yet, and serves as a reminder to the user that they're there. In essence, the variable is calling out: "Hey, don't forget about me!"

My student remarked that it was obvious I had children, and young ones at that. Imagine her surprise when I remarked that I was indeed the mother of a very troublesome minx of a 5-year-old cat. Hey, sometimes Alice needs things explained to her in simple terms.

Merry Bi-Polar Halloweenie

Ok, I LOVE Halloween. Love it. This year, with all the life stress and general crap going on, I honestly don't give a crap. It's Alice's 5th birthday, so I'm psyched for that reason.

I keep oscillating from "Oh! I want to take my nieces out Trick or Treating and freeze and giggle and drink hot chocolate with them!" to "I want to stay home, lock the door, and turn out the lights." So, what gives? A few days ago I was set to have the outside fire pit burning and pass candy out to little ghouls and goblins. Now I am pondering lining the driveway with mouse and bear traps and our pumpkins are on the porch, uncarved. What gives? Why am I so damned indifferent?

Meh.

Well, here's a good photo of Alice in her costume. We were going to have her out there with us to give out candy, but now who knows?

A Fatal Error

Last night, as my sweetie drifted off to sleep, I got out of bed to use the bathroom. In hindsight, with the ongoing construction, leaving the bedroom door open for the split second I was going to be absent was a bad move. I then spent the next 20 minutes chasing one very adorable, if wily and toddler-esque Captain Alice around the house. With a sleeping boy in the living room and girl in the bedroom, we ran into the basement, out of the basement, up the stairs, down the stairs, under Daddy's bed, into the hole in the kitchen wall, into the bathroom, and down into the basement again before finally I managed to catch her.

I keep thinking she's sorry for making me run around in my undies. Then she smirks. I'm just a sucker for this face:

On Disruption

"Alice! I know you are upset with the state of the house at this precise moment in time, but that is no excuse to be playing with one's poop."

Don't Drug-Text me

Today, my beloved Ligie had to go have an MRI. My sweetie has a little anxiety over closed spaces (such as airplanes...), so about three Xanax made their way into her system before she had to go into the cage. Her appointment was at 3:30, so by the time I got out of class at 5pm, they had firmly begun to knock her unconscious.

As is my usual plan of action, I was going to stop by Starbucks on the way home, so I called her to see if she wanted anything. The first phone call went unanswered, the second was answered by silence, and the third went to voicemail. At this point I just wanted to cover my butt in case she was awake when I got home with one coffee in hand, so I sent her a text. No answer, so one coffee it was.

When I finally arrived, my sweetie was laying on top of the bed, completely out cold. I'll leave out the part about the drool-covered pillow, so that we can all pretend that never happened.

Oops.

Alice was laying on top of her, cleaning her hair, so I grabbed Barb's cell phone to take a video of it, to show her later. It was open, and on it was the following message, mid-composition:

"Ohhkthcmds ilwj"

That was her response to me. My beloved passed out as she was writing it. In hindsight, I should be grateful, because while I speak drugged-Ligie, drugged-texting-Ligie is a little bit of a stretch. I have a feeling that had I given that to a barista, Barb would have got a half-caf-double-shot-three-pump-sugar-free-mocha-chip-latte. Hold the whip.

Grooming

There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just come out with it. I discovered Windows Movie Maker this afternoon. Yes, it's not the most advanced of software, but heck, it does exactly what I need it to right now.

So, here's a little video we took this morning. Now I'm committed to learning more about this, expect more videos to come!



I did a little research into why Alice does this, and apparently it's something to do with the very first memory that cats have being of their mother, grooming them. So they see it as the sign of utmost love, to groom another. I just thought it was her non-so-subtle way of telling me I was filthy.

Yes, I really will do anything to avoid my project management homework.

Introducing Susie

This is Alice's cousin, in a twisted, Southern kind of way. We rescued Susie from the same shelter that Alice came from, because it seemed like all the signs of fate were telling us to. Barbara's Mom is called Sue (Dad calls her Susie), she looks just like Boo (Barbara's old cat who sadly passed away three years ago), and is missing her right eye. When she was just a kitten, although she's only around 2 now, some young boys poked that eye out with a stick. As a consequence, she is extremely skittish, particularly around men. That said, these last few months have seen a notable difference in her behavior. She is becoming more brazen, more willing to be around loud noises (although still not thrilled), and will actually let you pet her now. She has the cutest little silent-meow, which if you didn't know better sounds like a hiss. The vets think that she screamed so much when she lost her eye that she damaged her vocal chords.

Susie lives with Mom and Dad, because Alice just isn't really safe for other cats to be around (and definitely suffers from Only Child Syndrome), and was kind of thrust upon them, but I don't think they regret it for a second!

Searching for a bug to add to her collection

A reminder that I'm human

At 11:30 today, Alice had another vet's appointment to check up on that zit she got last week. Just a usual day in the lives of the Gazelle and Alice, frankly. We spend so much time with our vet that we're putting her daughter through college, even though she's only a year old. She's a genius. And Carolina, the receptionist is just a delight.

So, Alice and I are sitting there in the waiting room, opposite a guy of about 60 and his huge Newfoundland-type, Lucky. Out of the blue, an elderly woman rushes in (and so as not to unwittingly cause offense to anyone, I would estimate her age around 75), up to the desk, and sobs "I think she's dead already."

Carolina ran outside with the woman, and brought her dog in on a big blue carry-stretcher. It turns out her beloved dog was thankfully not yet passed, but our amazing vet was able to work her magic and put her out of her misery while Mommy and Daddy held a paw each.

I did my best to keep it together, retain composure and that stiff upper lip, but failed. The woman was distraught, understandably, and Carolina had tears in her eyes and just kept saying "I'm so sorry." I know death is a part of life, but I felt so bad for them.

I've recently become increasingly aware that the usual things don't seem to be upsetting me in the way they should. Cue much introspection. Movies don't get to me, nor music. Nothing. This experience this morning was a reminder that I am human, whether I like it or not. I've done my best to put memories of similar experiences out of my head, but I can still imagine those two elderly people going home to an empty house, and it breaks my heart. I miss my Becky and Murphy. Both Lucky and Alice got extra cuddles this morning, that's for sure.

Bad Blogger!

Dear Blog Readers,

Please excuse Barbara from Blogging these past few days. She was under the care of some very fine physicians, and due to medication as well as her below average IQ, she was unable to formulate coherent sentences. Not that coherence is a requirement of this particular blog, but we know you readers demand the very best. She will return to regularly scheduled blogging when she feels less Phlegm-tastic!

Thank you,

Barbara's Immune System

So, instead of her usual drivel - please enjoy a picture!

"Blogging Isn't So Hard" ~ by Captain Alice©2007

Captain Alice Hits Puberty

Alice had to go to the evil vets today for a sore on her mouth that was worrying us. Turns out that instead of the horrors that flew through our minds, it’s kitty puberty. Here’s what a friend (Allie) and I discussed after:

Allie: no way!

a zit?

teen years?

lay off the chocolate and pizza, Alice!

me: honestly

here I am all worried, and she's just slamming the bedroom door and telling me i don't 'understand'

Allie: hah!!!

me: According to the chart in the vet's office, she's almost 45 in human years!

Allie: aww!

mid-life crisis

me: I expect a slew of teenage boys, and a sports car in the driveway at any minute

Allie: desperate house cat

me: if she's sleeping with the plumber across the street, we're having words.

Allie: HAHA!!!

Preparing to chew off her own paw

Tissues

Introducing...Her supremeness...Captain Alice!

Yes, this is our cat. She goes by the name of Captain Alice, is sick as a dog (*cough*), but utterly full of love. Until you displease her. Then she'll have you swabbing the decks. Arrrr.

Happy Belated Pride month, all!