*warning - I am on an emotional sop kick atm. Read if you want, but I wrote it for myself.*
Today was one of those days: snowing hard, working the late shift in the "hotel", and with very few officers in the department today, there was a lot of time where my brain wandered. Oh fuck it, it packed a hobo bag and jumped a train without a destination.
It went to a very odd place, and I told Lisa about it when she brought me some coffee at HQ. I have NO clue what I did to deserve this woman, but I do not take it for granted and I have spent the better part of five years trying to be certain that I never do. Anywhoodle, in the freakish mindset I was in, it wandered to times and days that were less than stellar for me. I wasn't perseverating on the horrible things that happened to me in the past, but rather, the people in my past whom I've either wronged, not exactly righted, or who believe I wronged them in some way even if I am not aware of what transpired. Some of these people have blotted me from their lives, some are on the periphery where they exist but will not reach out or reach back if I do, and some are in my life again.
I found a few of these people (boredom combined with resources and detective/research skills = the ability to locate just about anyone on the planet). I was even able to locate a recent photo of one of the people, and she looks great - happy, healthy, and just as I remember her. It saddened me that something went so horribly wrong that I was eliminated from their life without a second thought. It really hurt. I felt like it wasn't right. then I took some of the time I was using to search and feel this way to realize that it doesn't matter a good goddamn what I think or feel about it. The only thing that matters is their reasoning. While I thought for a good number of years that I had grown a great deal, and that I had really come a long way mentally, emotionally, and physically - I was still hung up in a "But that's not fair! Why won't they talk to me and just work it out like adults!!?? Move on and be grateful that we're all alove and living happily??" Right there in my face was a huge stumbling block that kept me from being the strong and fair minded, compassionate and loving Buddhist that I believed I was. i was so focused on how I felt about it that I didn't think - "Well, maybe it's better for THEM to hate me. Maybe it makes whatever easier on them." That's the key.
I hate when I'm a moron and it takes a day like this to help me see something so basic and simple. I'm glad i did though. So, a shout out to a few of the wonderful people who were a part of my life in some way, and who have chosen to go a different path. It's sad in a way for me, because I could see such amazing relationships with some of these people, especially now that I know who and what I am in this world. I can only thank them for helping to create a part of me in the time that I knew them.
Thanks Carolyn, K, J, and R, Kathy, Alanna, Elzabeth, and a huge loving thank you to Barbara - You didn't leave by choice, but your death has always been one of the greatest losses I suffered in this world. Thank you for loving me the way you did. I carry you with me every day, and all of the lessons we learned together. Namaste, my love.
Huge love and thanks to all of my friends and family now. You all know who you are, and I am grateful to have you all, in all the countries and places you are - you dwell most in my heart. Not the least of whom is my love and fellow zombie-killing, meditation-chanting, clumsy-walking love. Thanks Gazelle. :) I'm glad you know me at this time in my life, when I have so much to give back to you.
