I think it's the 4th Day, but to be honest I can't count.

Good Evening!

Last night was supremely busy at CoffeeLand. It was quite annoying at times, and with the staffing hours cuts, we were strapped to serve, stock and clean like we normally do. Other than that, Special K LOVED getting Jesus for Chrismahanukwanzibodhikaet.al. She seemed truly psyched about it, and that pleases me.

So today was a decent work day, and following work I had plans to go to a few stores with my padre to assist him with getting some gifts for my mother. Mind you, this is the same man who used to go to the local pharmacy and buy some gum or a button for my sister and I, and some random "only really available at a local pharmacy" type of perfume for my mother for Christmas. Now, to be fair, that's a step up from the days he used to sit in the living room while my sister and I opened presents and he'd be just as surprised as we were because he had NO clue what mom got us. He just didn't do it. Now that he's gotten older, has grand kids, and has a more comfortable monetary position in life, he's taken more of an interest and gets things and even wraps them himself. I'm actually kind of proud of the old so and so. He still needs a detailed list, but he's trying.

Tonight we were more than successful in getting just about everything on the list, and then we went on a "stocking stuffer" run. It was really fun to do it with him, and I was getting stuffers for the gremlins I live with as well, so we were chatting about the best stuff and had a great time. We grabbed a bite to eat after, and then he followed me home so I could give him some stuff to bring to mom's and he could see the house/tree. I could swear I saw his eyes glisten when he walked in and saw the house and the tree. We don't really say very much out loud, so to me, one look was all it took to actually feel like I made him a little proud, and that he enjoyed my company tonight. It was a really cool moment for my dad and I.

Really cool.

This 3rd Day of Christmas Postings

Mew Ha! Ha! I'm so pleased with myself for finding the time to continue this as promised. Too bad I got very few ideas emailed/commented in from the fan base to add to the countdown. Honestly? Let me share one of the few:

"countdown is a good ideas. maybe you can list the stuff you want for presents and things. or you could make fun of presents or things"

Thanks so much. I never could have thought of that "ideas" on my own. You should have your own blog. Go hold your breath until I tell you to stop.


Anyway, on the 3rd day, I wanted to share with you a gift I bought for my friend Special K. She asked for it, so who am I to deny her?? Besides, it brought me much joy and blasphemous playtime for the week it's been in my home waiting for me to bring it to her. I know I say "Live and let live", but I'm allowed creative license too, right? Here it is!

Jesus, in all his swimmer's build glory.




Now come on how cool is that?! What you can't see is that he is a talking action figure. He recites stories and passages from the bible. My guess is that they originally made him so that the Vatican could take vacations, and set the life-sized version up in the window so all the good Roman Catholics would continue to behave if they thought they were being watched by Jesus. I don't know who they think they are fooling, if the same people won't be good while knowing Santa is watching. Anyway, look the doll up. The makers are One2Believe.com, so you can see I'm not just bashing and being biased. If you have a serious interest, that's cool. If you are like me, you might want to see it merely from the nostalgic standpoint of someone who had GI Joe dolls. No joke, the Savior is RIPPED! His chest is bigger than the wrestler action figures that are out. It's like they stuck his head on a Hulk doll! They have Mary and others as well, but I don't think she's quite as big a draw.

Anyway, enjoy all. I'm off to CoffeeLand, and I'm sure, a little hate mail. Don't like it? Send me countdown suggestions that don't suck!

On the 2nd Day of Christmas, your Blogger Gives to You...

A post just as promised, so I can prove to my grade school teachers that I can follow through, they were wrong, and they will rot in hell.

This post is going to be more about the 3 things that made me smile today, rather than all the stupid little things that went wrong. Those will be added to the inevitable tide of other wrong things that are bound to happen tomorrow. Yay optimism!

So today brought me insane happiness with the fully finished and lit tree in the living room. I don't even celebrate Christmas; we celebrate Bodhi Day within the traditions of Buddhism, but I am a sucker for a bit of nostalgic tradition, and my entire family celebrates Christmas, so why not have fun. This can be seen as my very open and accepting attitude of other beliefs and practices, or as one more way I will confuse my own children with too many options. I'm such an Aquarium. Wait, Aquarian.

So, the tree:

The second thing from today was spending the afternoon at my mom's house, working at a semi-new tradition of making fresh gingerbread cookies for the holiday. We listened to the "Charlie Brown's Christmas" cd I brought (I did a Snoopy dance) and baked and chatted. It was really nice, and my cookies are shaped as reindeer. I rule.

So, the cookies:

The third thing just happened as we opened our mail tonight. We got a Christmas card from Lisa's brother Chris, his wife Rach, and the ever lovely little 'lizbeth. The card was cute, and when we opened it, there was a message that it was special. We turn it over, and it's a card from 'lizbeth's school, and the top says "design created by:" and her name!! How awesome is that? It's kind of a 3 eyed angel on crack, and it's gorgeous!

So, the card, designed by family: (It's better than Lisa can do any day!)

Have a great night... until tomorrow.

By the Skin of my Teeth - The 1st Day of Christmas

Ok, hiatus over.
Ok, not really a hiatus, more like a phlegm-fest sinus and chest cold that's lingering like a one night stand at the door in the morning claiming to have lost a shoe.

Whatever the case, I am here, as promised with the first edition. Sadly, I have very little to bitch about because as of this afternoon, the house is - done. Yep. Done. Dusted. Gorgeous. Done. I was even able to put up our tree and decorate with L. It was really all very nice.
Oh!

What I CAN do is relate to you what this post would have been if events had not happened as they did. Let's pretend that S. was unable to transfer his stuff from the living room to the newly finished upstairs by today, and I had been unable to clean that area, set up the tree, and get things done. It has very little to do with S., and more about my freakish and fierce expectations for myself and those around me at times. If this had been the case, these are the mentionables I'd be angry about from this week...



I have a hard-on for every stupid little pedestrian who decided that crosswalks were just too inconvenient and bothersome to deal with, and that it's better to dart out in front of me with a gaggle of children in tow, inevitably allowing more and more people to take advantage of my yielded position and follow suit. Honestly - these are placed on every fucking corner in my city. Use them. Seriously, use them or I might cut my own brakes as a legal excuse to mow your asses down. It wasn't even cold the last few days. Will the few extra steps kill you?

WalMart. People. Seriously. I know it's a huge sale in the fancy indoor garage sale store, but to run down and trample someone to death? The shirt is a cotton/poly blend. I'm certain you could have bought it 5 minutes later, and you'll still look as trashy.

Lawn Decor. Please use your heads and be respectful. I have 2 small lit wire deer on my front lawn and a red bow on my door. My next door neighbour has 2 deer and has the roof outline of his home in the white icicle lights and red bows down this fence. The guy across the street? At least 3 huge blow up "fixtures" or whatever you call the gigantor hot air balloons shaped like animals and Santas. I think he has a penguin. Where can you find a penguin in NJ? On his lawn. then there are the millions of lights. Some blink, some don't. Colors mixed. Random other "stick this into the ground" decorations and a few religious overtones to boot. That house isn't exactly the Griswold's house, but it's annoying enough because they LEAVE THE LIGHTS ON ALL FREAKING NIGHT! You either create a nice decor, or you make the house that's on YouTube that lights to the Christmas music, but things in between are just plain obnoxious and unacceptable. PSE&G should cut your power. I might go ballistic and stab your inflatable snowman in a fit of rage. Don't test me... I'll gut him like a pig.


So, that's it for this edition. I promise, the next will be more organized and concise. Tune in tomorrow for it, and in the meantime, here's a holiday tip:

When finishing the tree trimming, forget stringing popcorn for that relaxing, olde-timey feeling. String up Xanax instead. Then, when stress gets bad, you can gnaw on the tree and watch your cares float away in the twinkling lights!




...

Actually Overheard, To My Chagrin

A hallway inside CFU. Two girls and a boy are talking about how they're all failing a particular class. They are more valley-sounding than any valley girl I ever met. And I've met valley girls.

Girl 1: (to the boy) Wait, aren't you, like, from my career development class?
Boy: Huh huh huh. Yeah.
Girl 2: Like, Oh my God! I totally know where I recognize you from now. At first I was like... "No", but then I was like..."Yeah", then I was like..."No", but now I'm like "Yeah!"

I think I have an inkling why you're failing college, sweetie.

Seasonal Asshat Disorder

ok, ok, I know the real disorder is nothing to laugh about (bah-dum-dum!) but so far this year, just about everyone I encounter can be compared to a port-a-john in the summer. I feel like I have to watch where I step, I'd rather be elsewhere, and they are full of shit. Not only that, but once you've come in contact with one, chances are the shit got on you, and you tend to spread it wherever you go. Unlike the other disorder, there's no lightbulb to buy that can help.

So the recent asshats of note are the parking lot stalkers, the familes that need to shop together (like a family of 6 who bring their kids to WallyWorld) for everything and let them run ragged through the store screaming, the people who trample others to death AND the people who rushed past the trampled people to get $5 off a television they don't even need, and the people claiming they can't afford to provide us with adequate healthcare benefits anymore, and the whiteshirts who drive around in brand new government provided fully loaded cars when we can't even get basic equipment to keep our facility running... people like that.

Meh, this turned into a small rant, so I'll stop for now. Maybe I'll post a "12 Asshats of Christmas" edition later tonight or tomorrow. I'll take suggestions, and credit them when I post. Email @ SheSquared@gmail.com or comment.

Stupid Turkey!

It's that time of year, when we gather around the table to worship the poultrilicious offering that we enjoy shoveling stale bread up the ass of, cooking, then hacking into every November. After the food coma, some people hide away for the day, others begin to draw strategic maps and equip stealth outfits to sneak from the house early the next morning to slash and hack their way through the Black Friday sales. Still others will vegetate in front of the football games and Macy parades.

This year you will find Lisa, Pahee and myself upstairs in the house, rolling paint and primer and hammering the last few nails before the flooring goes in. By the afternoon, I will get dressed and head off to CoffeeLand where I will work the full closing shift. Joy. About the same time, Pahee and Lisa will set off to Newark to see Tina Turner in concert - Lisa's B-Day pressie to Pahee.

(and did any of you know that Ms Turner has a birthday today - 69 years old!! Cripes! I hope to have legs like that and a functioning brain at that age, let alone be able to shake my ass while belting out songs to thousands of people... I'll most likely be a drooling mess if Lisa hasn't had me euthanized by then.)

So, if you are inclined, stop in and grab a cup of coffee and chat with me. If not, enjoy your day everyone no matter what your plans. Turkey, to-furkey, or a hungry man meal - just be happy. I'm off to measure Alice... she might make a pleasant change from the traditional fare.


***Oh, and a quick story to pass along that our dear friend Lynn in NH has relayed to us a bunch of times - the turkeys on her brother in law's farm are completely stupid, and every year they lose a few to "natural accidents" - the look up to see what is hitting them in the head when it's raining, and many of them drown. Seriously. No joke. I feel less evil for eating them now.

Not Quite What I Was Expecting

Yesterday at work, one of our regular students came to me for some help. In the interests of setting the scene adequately, thus burning the very same images into your brain that currently torture me, I shall describe in minimal, but effective detail.

This student, let's call her Jasmine, is a tall black woman, in her 30s, with two large...ahem...attributes that often befall women of her ethnic background. Her personality can only be referred to as 'needing-to-switch-to-decaf.' She's very lovely, but completely overwhelming with a mouth that never stops moving.

Jasmine is doing a report on "I Dream of Jeannie", and needed my help getting a small movie clip to show up in PowerPoint. So, I tell her to grab a computer, and I'll help her out. We started up a new PowerPoint presentation, and I clicked on the 'Insert Media Clip' icon. There were three movie files stored in the My Documents folder, innocuously titled 1, 2, and 3. I'm only running through it quickly as an example, and to see if it works, so I select the third file. It pops up.

Well, to be more precise, what pops up is a pornographic video. With reaction speeds known only to Lewis Hamilton, I closed the file. Instantly. I'm blushing, Jasmine is yelling "Oh my God, who would have something like that on their computer?!". So, I did a quick Ctrl+Alt+Del.

Yeah, you guessed it: it was her computer.

Think it stops there? Far from it. Yes, I might have lightning fast reaction skills, but I also have a photographic memory. Not only was it Jasmine's video; it was also Jasmine in the video. Naked, spreadeagled, and did I mention the size of the mouth earlier?

Some things...just can't be unseen.

The Trouble With Badgers

I will have to take some photos and post them, but I am a little unsettled. I think this man in our home is a doppelganger. I fear the real Pahee is being held captive - perhaps by a band of very unruly female badgers who jumped him in the airport terminal and are holding him hostage to impregnate them so they can raise a hybridbadger race that have little fashion sense, a great accent, and less hair - and they sent us a decoy to keep us from looking for him.

The mistake they made? The replacement "guy" arrived with this awesome manly facial hair, a solid dark button up shirt and a flannel coat.

Ha! Silly Badgers. I know better. The real Pahee screams like a girl and wears salmon colored shirts. I've also not known him to allow his head to compete with his face for hair. He's not that cruel to his head.

Swinging From The Rafters

I can no longer see from the 2nd floor of my house down through the basement! That means the evil, huge, loathsome project is nearing an end.

Putting aside my insurmountable frustration over the whole thing, I'll update you on the happy details of the rooms being completely rocked and mudded and ready for paint as of today. I am striking a deal with the same contractor (the one who is doing the sheet rock, did the original shell and framing work, did the rough plumbing, and did all the plans in general and I should have just had do the entire job to keep things simple and calm - but NOOO I'm a megagooberidiot©) to finish the job with hardwood floors through the top level. If it's a go, this can be done very soon, and before Pahee leaves! That means everyone can be in their respective rooms and living comfortably now. that has been my bigger issue all along. I can't stand putting people out.

Hopefully this will all work out. If not, look for my resume at the bottom of the Hudson River.