Sex On The Brain

Sunday morning, my beloved Father-in-Law stops in for coffee on his way back from church. He does this most Sundays, occasionally accompanied by his lady wife. He wanders about, shoots the shit, and finds something to pick on in our house.

"The dust bunnies under your TV are multiplying."

"Do you plan on ever using your dining room table for eating again?"

"How many SHOES do you need?!"

And of course, this Sunday morning's classic was:

"What on earth is that hanging on your bed? A camera? What are you guys DOING in here?!"

(It should be noted for the record that the camera he thought he espied was in fact the booklight my father bought me for Christmas, so that I may read into the night without disturbing my sweetie. Only my Father-in-Law could make that about sex)

Not Quite What I Was Expecting

Yesterday at work, one of our regular students came to me for some help. In the interests of setting the scene adequately, thus burning the very same images into your brain that currently torture me, I shall describe in minimal, but effective detail.

This student, let's call her Jasmine, is a tall black woman, in her 30s, with two large...ahem...attributes that often befall women of her ethnic background. Her personality can only be referred to as 'needing-to-switch-to-decaf.' She's very lovely, but completely overwhelming with a mouth that never stops moving.

Jasmine is doing a report on "I Dream of Jeannie", and needed my help getting a small movie clip to show up in PowerPoint. So, I tell her to grab a computer, and I'll help her out. We started up a new PowerPoint presentation, and I clicked on the 'Insert Media Clip' icon. There were three movie files stored in the My Documents folder, innocuously titled 1, 2, and 3. I'm only running through it quickly as an example, and to see if it works, so I select the third file. It pops up.

Well, to be more precise, what pops up is a pornographic video. With reaction speeds known only to Lewis Hamilton, I closed the file. Instantly. I'm blushing, Jasmine is yelling "Oh my God, who would have something like that on their computer?!". So, I did a quick Ctrl+Alt+Del.

Yeah, you guessed it: it was her computer.

Think it stops there? Far from it. Yes, I might have lightning fast reaction skills, but I also have a photographic memory. Not only was it Jasmine's video; it was also Jasmine in the video. Naked, spreadeagled, and did I mention the size of the mouth earlier?

Some things...just can't be unseen.

CoffeeLand Convos

2 cops walk into a Coffee Bar... (names and places are fake to maintain my employment)

Hulking Police Officer #1: Can I get a Large Vanilla Latte?

(I'm off at the machines, making said coffee drink while a co-worker chats with them)

Hulking Police Officer #2: Hey, don't I know you? (I assume he's speaking to my younger cute co-worker who would be the likely choice to hit on - but no, after a longer pause, I realize he's speaking to me)

Me: (squinting at him) I don't know, do you?

Hulking Officer #2: Yeah! I remember you from the advanced latent fingerprint course at the police academy! Wow!

Me: Oh! John Smith! Yeah! I remember. How're you doing with those latents? That was a great class.

Hulking Officer #1: Oh yeah, the only female in the class. You told me about her. (points at me) You were working at {insert random place here}, right?

Me: Yep. Good memory.

Hulking Officer #2: Long time, right? I switched to municipal police because there's a lot more money in it. How's your... uh...

(uncomfortable silence as they both look at me in my apron and wonder if I'm even employed anymore and prepare to swallow their feet)

Me: Here's your Latte.