Ok, not really a hiatus, more like a phlegm-fest sinus and chest cold that's lingering like a one night stand at the door in the morning claiming to have lost a shoe.
Whatever the case, I am here, as promised with the first edition. Sadly, I have very little to bitch about because as of this afternoon, the house is - done. Yep. Done. Dusted. Gorgeous. Done. I was even able to put up our tree and decorate with L. It was really all very nice.
Oh!
What I CAN do is relate to you what this post would have been if events had not happened as they did. Let's pretend that S. was unable to transfer his stuff from the living room to the newly finished upstairs by today, and I had been unable to clean that area, set up the tree, and get things done. It has very little to do with S., and more about my freakish and fierce expectations for myself and those around me at times. If this had been the case, these are the mentionables I'd be angry about from this week...
I have a hard-on for every stupid little pedestrian who decided that crosswalks were just too inconvenient and bothersome to deal with, and that it's better to dart out in front of me with a gaggle of children in tow, inevitably allowing more and more people to take advantage of my yielded position and follow suit. Honestly - these are placed on every fucking corner in my city. Use them. Seriously, use them or I might cut my own brakes as a legal excuse to mow your asses down. It wasn't even cold the last few days. Will the few extra steps kill you?
WalMart. People. Seriously. I know it's a huge sale in the fancy indoor garage sale store, but to run down and trample someone to death? The shirt is a cotton/poly blend. I'm certain you could have bought it 5 minutes later, and you'll still look as trashy.
Lawn Decor. Please use your heads and be respectful. I have 2 small lit wire deer on my front lawn and a red bow on my door. My next door neighbour has 2 deer and has the roof outline of his home in the white icicle lights and red bows down this fence. The guy across the street? At least 3 huge blow up "fixtures" or whatever you call the gigantor hot air balloons shaped like animals and Santas. I think he has a penguin. Where can you find a penguin in NJ? On his lawn. then there are the millions of lights. Some blink, some don't. Colors mixed. Random other "stick this into the ground" decorations and a few religious overtones to boot. That house isn't exactly the Griswold's house, but it's annoying enough because they LEAVE THE LIGHTS ON ALL FREAKING NIGHT! You either create a nice decor, or you make the house that's on YouTube that lights to the Christmas music, but things in between are just plain obnoxious and unacceptable. PSE&G should cut your power. I might go ballistic and stab your inflatable snowman in a fit of rage. Don't test me... I'll gut him like a pig.
So, that's it for this edition. I promise, the next will be more organized and concise. Tune in tomorrow for it, and in the meantime, here's a holiday tip:
When finishing the tree trimming, forget stringing popcorn for that relaxing, olde-timey feeling. String up Xanax instead. Then, when stress gets bad, you can gnaw on the tree and watch your cares float away in the twinkling lights!
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