Apologies to the Past, with grateful tones and love to the future.

*warning - I am on an emotional sop kick atm. Read if you want, but I wrote it for myself.*


Today was one of those days: snowing hard, working the late shift in the "hotel", and with very few officers in the department today, there was a lot of time where my brain wandered. Oh fuck it, it packed a hobo bag and jumped a train without a destination.

It went to a very odd place, and I told Lisa about it when she brought me some coffee at HQ. I have NO clue what I did to deserve this woman, but I do not take it for granted and I have spent the better part of five years trying to be certain that I never do. Anywhoodle, in the freakish mindset I was in, it wandered to times and days that were less than stellar for me. I wasn't perseverating on the horrible things that happened to me in the past, but rather, the people in my past whom I've either wronged, not exactly righted, or who believe I wronged them in some way even if I am not aware of what transpired. Some of these people have blotted me from their lives, some are on the periphery where they exist but will not reach out or reach back if I do, and some are in my life again.

I found a few of these people (boredom combined with resources and detective/research skills = the ability to locate just about anyone on the planet). I was even able to locate a recent photo of one of the people, and she looks great - happy, healthy, and just as I remember her. It saddened me that something went so horribly wrong that I was eliminated from their life without a second thought. It really hurt. I felt like it wasn't right. then I took some of the time I was using to search and feel this way to realize that it doesn't matter a good goddamn what I think or feel about it. The only thing that matters is their reasoning. While I thought for a good number of years that I had grown a great deal, and that I had really come a long way mentally, emotionally, and physically - I was still hung up in a "But that's not fair! Why won't they talk to me and just work it out like adults!!?? Move on and be grateful that we're all alove and living happily??" Right there in my face was a huge stumbling block that kept me from being the strong and fair minded, compassionate and loving Buddhist that I believed I was. i was so focused on how I felt about it that I didn't think - "Well, maybe it's better for THEM to hate me. Maybe it makes whatever easier on them." That's the key.

I hate when I'm a moron and it takes a day like this to help me see something so basic and simple. I'm glad i did though. So, a shout out to a few of the wonderful people who were a part of my life in some way, and who have chosen to go a different path. It's sad in a way for me, because I could see such amazing relationships with some of these people, especially now that I know who and what I am in this world. I can only thank them for helping to create a part of me in the time that I knew them.

Thanks Carolyn, K, J, and R, Kathy, Alanna, Elzabeth, and a huge loving thank you to Barbara - You didn't leave by choice, but your death has always been one of the greatest losses I suffered in this world. Thank you for loving me the way you did. I carry you with me every day, and all of the lessons we learned together. Namaste, my love.

Huge love and thanks to all of my friends and family now. You all know who you are, and I am grateful to have you all, in all the countries and places you are - you dwell most in my heart. Not the least of whom is my love and fellow zombie-killing, meditation-chanting, clumsy-walking love. Thanks Gazelle. :) I'm glad you know me at this time in my life, when I have so much to give back to you.

Enjoyment

Yesterday, I deviated from my norm of shake-taking (this is an area reserved for a whole post of its own; for now, I shall leave it alone), and decided to do lunch with the work guys. We went to Chick-Fil-A and I grabbed a salad. Fascinating so far, right?

Anyway, the point of this lead-in is the conversation I had with the check-out guy. Is that what they're called? Check-out guys? Order-Taker? Remover-of-Finances?

Guy: Nice accent.

Me: Well thank you. I was born with it, so I can't really take much credit.

Guy: I enjoy it very much.

Enjoy? Seriously? Like, I could have dealt with. Even love. But enjoy...? I had sudden visions of him not being able to contain himself any longer, and that not being ranch dressing on my salad.

In this case, I happen to think the job title 'Creepazoid' fits him quite nicely.

Ok, with head low and spirits shot

Another fantabulous holiday season, brought to me by my incomprehensible guilt and empathy for other people. I just need to throw this question out to the cyber world and hope I get some half intelligent responses. Let's see.

**Keep in Mind, I will NOT give personal details about this person. I will respect his privacy the best I can.**

How do you help someone who protests that they DO NOT WANT help?

Before you say something snarky like "You don't" or "Why bother" - the complication comes in a few layers. For instance - I adore this person. They've been a best friend to me for about 6+ years now. I would've trusted him with my life. He accepts me for who I am, and is supportive of and understanding about the various things that effect Lisa and I being together. We share a home and a mortgage together. I went into this knowing that I could trust him, and knowing that it would be an equal split all the way as things have been in the past.

He has festered in a bad place for as many years as I've known him now. When we met, I told him I'd help him get through it and move on with his life. That was 6+ years ago now, and although I may have tapered off how much enthusiasm I've put into supporting him and encouraging him to heal and move on, this has not happened to any degree in ALL of this time. I've spent so much of my own life feeling his despair and depression. I've fought through my own issues at the same time I continued to deal with his. You know how when someone you love is hurting and in such a bad place that it's transferred a lot to you? That's the way it is.

Things came to a head this week, and things were said and done that made him angry. Never once did I waver in my promise to be here for him, but I did say in no uncertain terms that the duration of this state of mind, and the unwillingness he has to change it is unacceptable. this brought us to an impasse, because rather than see what it's doing to him, his family, and his friends including me and our household - he is steadfast in his determination to suffer and demands to be left alone about it. I don't know if anyone reading this knows what it's like to live with someone in this state of mind, but it's almost as painful as if you were the one going through it all. I've been going through this for 6 years, all the while having this other side of me going through my own life, health, love, work and world issues. I'm torn in two, and yet he sees none of this, and I'm not the martyr to point it out - because that's not the point.

The point of this is to ask - HOW DO I CHANGE THIS?? How do you make someone care when they don't want to care about themselves?

I can't take much more, and I've already begun looking through apartment ads, because I'd rather give up the home I've put so much of myself and my heart into then continue to drain myself of all the good I once was.

Bless This Mess

One of the reasons we've been so absent of late is that we've been working diligently on perfecting our humble abode. It's a beautiful little place, and full of potential, which we're helping it to realize. Our latest project has been the main bedroom. When we first moved in, this is how it looked:



It's looked like this for the last two years (more recently minus the boxes), and we finally accepted that now was the time for a change. So, our Bodhi present to each other was a new bedroom set; and seeing as we were going to have new furniture, we decided to go the full hog and repaint the room itself too. My sweetie has always hated that sea-blue on the walls, and honestly, it could be a little nauseating. So we decided upon Turkish Coffee, and Limestone as our colors and got to work.

This is the semi-finished product:



And the difference between the colors can be seen in this picture:



There is also a bench to put together for the end of the bed, which will be our project for this snow-day, but overall, we think it's a very positive change. And it's been so nice to put pieces of ourselves into the fabric of the house. Of course, I can't step into Home Depot without having to squelch an overwhelming desire to purchase insulation. I'm not even sure what I'd use it for, but I want it.

Adipose I Should Do About This?

Oh, my self-deprecating humor knows no bounds! Adipose Who else could configure the anatomical wording for fat into a blog post title? Just ginormous me!

I am embarking on a serious and intensive weight loss/health gain program starting in a few weeks. I don't want to go into the details of it, or the name of it for now. I just want to get working on it and see how it all goes. I'll update you all on the progress if desired. I'm thinking of trying to be brazen enough to take some honest photos of myself as things progress. I'm a bit scared of that, so I'm still just pondering it.

So, if you don't hear from me in a few months, assume that I died and the kitten feasted on my corpulent, uh... corpse.

Overheard at "the Hotel"

"They took down another Christmas Nativity Scene in a public square near my town. It's been there for years and never bothered anyone till too many foreigners moved into the area. I didn't even mind so much when they added a menorah to the area - I let that go. Now the ACLU gets involved and I can't celebrate my baby jesus' birth because it's unconstitutional? They ain't even part of my constitution! Fuckin' ACLU is ruining this country. Bunch of Commies."

Sometimes I have to physically use my hand to pick my chin up off the floor when I hear some of the crap these guys spew.

Boughs of Folly

Hello Urchins.

Tis the season to try to be jolly, then get bitch slapped by circumstance, and still maintain that stupid grin so people don't commit you to a sanitarium.

Things have been hectic at the Greening-Cole Ranch, but I am pleased to report that we are still happy and goofy. Stress is taking an individual toll, but thankfully, we're great with communication, so it's not stressing on us as a couple. That makes me smile.

Rohatsu went off without as much observance as I would have liked. It was the 8th of December, but so much complicated work stuff, plus the very sad death of my wonderful uncle in Kentucky made for a hard time of observing. Perhaps I can make my own special day to observe in the proper way in the new year. That'll make me happy. I invite you all to join me!

The bedroom is almost 100% finished with the renovations, and I think all 3 of us are thrilled. Ok, I think Alice wins that contest. The headboard has built-in cubbies, and she has promptly made all of them into little napping dens of her own. the top ledge also allows her a place to curl up to nap, or keep a vigil on birds and squirrels out the bedroom windows. The colours are wonderful and calming. It's turning into the bedroom I've wanted for a long time now. All we need is to find the perfect wall art, and we're working on it.
Anywhoodle - I'm off.

I will send updates as I can, and try to delve into the real meat of what's going on, but I'm going to need a pitchfork to sort through the crap enough to write it.

Missed you all. Send us love, topics, or whatever!

B&L

Maintaining Ties

In a time of ancient gods...or perhaps just ancient customers, it is in my best interests to maintain links to the UK. The US doesn't fully want me yet, or at least they don't know they do. They panic when I get a little too close, and demand "space."

Not to fret; I can be...persuasive *pops on little black number and a tango mix-tape*.

So I maintain these ties, through keeping a house over there, bank accounts, and of course a driving license. Said driving license expires on the 24th of this month. I don't have to do anything special to renew it, just mail back a form and a pretty picture of yours truly. No retaking test, or fancy jumping through hoops or anything like that, right. Right?

Wrong.

Well, half wrong. I don't have to retake the test. Which is a good thing, because I'm certain I'd get all confuzzled and forget which side of the road to drive on. I had a panic tonight as I realized I'd forgotten the British way of writing the date. Bah.

As it turns out, the Brits and Americans are once more two countries divided by a common language when it comes to passport photos. British dimensions are not quite as simple as their old 2 by 2 American counterpart. Not one, not two, but four stores I went to on my lunch hour today refused to accommodate such an unruly request. Finally, I sweet-talked my way into a JC Penney clerk's knickers. I mean, photography studio. *cough* I think I have a date on Friday.

Knowing that I don't have much time in which to organize all this (as a typical Greening, I have known the license was expiring for months, but am as usual late to the party), I race home and start filling out the forms. Second panic of the day: The D1 or the D798? Which one am I supposed to complete? Bah! Typical British, you wait months for a form, and two come along at once. So I narrow it down to the D1 (mostly because I had previously started to complete the D798 in blue ink, and that simply won't do), and start scribbling furiously. Finished, I read the checklist of items.

Check for £20
Green counterpart license
Photocard licence

Panic number three. £20? What's that in dollars? Does it matter anyway? The DVLA won't take an American check. Crap. Do I still have a British checkbook? By this point, Alice has flown into the bedroom and is hiding under the bed from her crazy Mum who is ransacking the study. Victory! Oh me oh my, I still have the good old HSBC checkbook. Can I remember how to complete an English check? Sod it, I'll fudge it.

Green counterpart license. OK, I've seen that somewhere. Recently. Ish. Like, within the last...four years? Balls. *ransack ransack* Huzzah! There it is in the filing cabinet, neatly filed under "Stuff." How accurate and quaint.

Photocard license. I've got this, no problem. Wait. Oh, that's just bloody marvelous. I simply had to go and get myself a new wallet a couple of months ago. A slimmer model. One that doesn't contain all the unnecessary "STUFF" that I don't use on a daily basis. Like my UK photocard license. Now...if you were an insane, famished British gal, where would you have put your old wallet? In a flash of godknowswhat, I remember that I think I heard it fall down the back of the dresser about a month ago. Why yes, there it is!

OK, it's 6:30pm. Into the car I run, off to locate the only post office within a fifty mile radius to stay open past 5pm on a weekday. Small aside: What the hell, USPS? People don't work? C'mon already. I arrive at the wee place, and...c'mon, if you had to guess people. You've been following this story. You know how it ends.

Ha, they weren't closed. Those who guessed 'closed,' go directly to jail and do not collect £200. Or $200. Or anything. Sorry, not feeling particularly generous today. BUT, they did have a new system in place.

"Damned computers," the woman behind the register mutters. "Don't know why we need them in the first place. So much simpler without." Right, yes dear, you're 100% correct, now hand over the keyboard and mouse and nobody gets hurt. What? Not supposed to utter those words in a federal building? Whoops.

Together, we fuddle our way through the new system, trying to figure out how to express mail something internationally, when she reaches the Province question. "Which province is it, dear?"

Wales, I think. What? Wales isn't in there? OK...try South Glamorgan. Now look for Swansea. It's not there? Hmmmm...that's strange. OK, maybe it's Mid Glamorgan. Not there either? Hmmm... *pulls out Blackberry and starts typing furiously* West Glamorgan. Well now, that doesn't seem familiar at all, but whatever, it works. Did I mention I lived in Swansea for 2 years? Finally, my package is in the mail, my wallet is $27.95 lighter, and it will arrive on Wednesday. The day before the deadline.

And now, I'm off to stare at the ceiling for many hours. Because my life cannot handle this much excitement. DO YOU HEAR ME UNIVERSE? STOP IT!

Not Endorsed by Anyone

Am I the only person who hates the use of the word 'Indorsement?' I was only just informed of its legitimate status as a word today. Upon Googling it, I expected to see a myriad of sites dedicated to just how stupid this word is, but apparently I am alone in my diagnosis. As I type this, it is harshly underlined in red. Google agrees with me. So long as the conglomerate that will someday run the entire world agrees with me, I'm happy. But seriously, we should ban it.

Heck, we as a human race is banning stupider words...

Potential Return

Hi all,

I know, I know, I've been freakishly absent. The truth is, I have so many stories to tell, but I guess I slipped into a bit of a depression back there, because I didn't think they were worth you listening to. Anyway, I'm working on getting out of the funk, and the first step of that was to actually sign into the blog for the first time in over a month.

So I return. And in this order, I will bestow upon you the stories of:

• The Korean seafood/beef platter


• The incessant Sarah Palin dreams


• The highs of actually having insurance now...


• ...and the lows of seeing my old doctor


• Our foray (Oh sweet Jesus, I just wrote fourway.) into the Blackberry lifestyle.

There might even be a story in there about Easy Bake Ovens. If you ask nice.

You stopped listening when I said fourway, didn't you? Gutterheads!

For now, I must bid you adieu, although I have not warranted this favor. Last night, I spent forty-five minutes on the deck finishing up Jeffrey Deaver's Roadside Crosses, and became mozzie-chum. Damn wee beasties. I'm all covered in lumps and bumps, and it's taking every last bit of will power (with which I am not particularly blessed) not to scratch off my own legs. Perhaps I will have Alice do it for me.