Another fantabulous holiday season, brought to me by my incomprehensible guilt and empathy for other people. I just need to throw this question out to the cyber world and hope I get some half intelligent responses. Let's see.
**Keep in Mind, I will NOT give personal details about this person. I will respect his privacy the best I can.**
How do you help someone who protests that they DO NOT WANT help?
Before you say something snarky like "You don't" or "Why bother" - the complication comes in a few layers. For instance - I adore this person. They've been a best friend to me for about 6+ years now. I would've trusted him with my life. He accepts me for who I am, and is supportive of and understanding about the various things that effect Lisa and I being together. We share a home and a mortgage together. I went into this knowing that I could trust him, and knowing that it would be an equal split all the way as things have been in the past.
He has festered in a bad place for as many years as I've known him now. When we met, I told him I'd help him get through it and move on with his life. That was 6+ years ago now, and although I may have tapered off how much enthusiasm I've put into supporting him and encouraging him to heal and move on, this has not happened to any degree in ALL of this time. I've spent so much of my own life feeling his despair and depression. I've fought through my own issues at the same time I continued to deal with his. You know how when someone you love is hurting and in such a bad place that it's transferred a lot to you? That's the way it is.
Things came to a head this week, and things were said and done that made him angry. Never once did I waver in my promise to be here for him, but I did say in no uncertain terms that the duration of this state of mind, and the unwillingness he has to change it is unacceptable. this brought us to an impasse, because rather than see what it's doing to him, his family, and his friends including me and our household - he is steadfast in his determination to suffer and demands to be left alone about it. I don't know if anyone reading this knows what it's like to live with someone in this state of mind, but it's almost as painful as if you were the one going through it all. I've been going through this for 6 years, all the while having this other side of me going through my own life, health, love, work and world issues. I'm torn in two, and yet he sees none of this, and I'm not the martyr to point it out - because that's not the point.
The point of this is to ask - HOW DO I CHANGE THIS?? How do you make someone care when they don't want to care about themselves?
I can't take much more, and I've already begun looking through apartment ads, because I'd rather give up the home I've put so much of myself and my heart into then continue to drain myself of all the good I once was.
4 comments:
Wow, its really hard to say, without knowing the situation, but... does this person actually want to change?
And would loosing you be enough to push him into trying to help himself?
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I don't know if I have any good advice, I tend to be on the other side of things myself. It is unfortunately one of things where if you are in it deeply, you can't pull yourself out and you really don't want help. You know it in your head that you are hurting yourself and those around you, you just can't change things, and really no one else can change it for you. Sounds at this point he really needs professional intervention. {{hugs to you, Lisa and Alice}}
I can't believe it has gone on for that long, but I do know it's affected both you and Lisa. Is there any way his family would help intercede? Do they even see what's going on in his world? Y'all are in my prayers, and I hope everything works out.
He must receive therapy. A therapist will help him, on his terms, work through the sources of his depression. If he loves and values your friendship and companionship he will, slowely, agree to go. Six years is to long to suffer in this state; don't let him go another 6.
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