Eggs in a Basketcase

This is not the me
I thought I'd be.
The picket fence
is a picket line,
and the shining prince has been replaced
by dark nights.
Sleep proves elusive
when the horse is laden
and he lags behind

Boyfriend Material

***As ALWAYS, a quick reminder... this is OUR blog.  Don't like it?  Don't read it.  NO flaming or hate or trolling allowed.  I will burn yo ass if you try it.  Be polite and considerate of the people who come here to just read and enjoy.  Obviously you can see where I stand and what my views are, so don't be the jerk at the bar who had too much and tried to kiss the bouncer. Ok?  Cool!***

So, this upcoming election is like being in a continuously evolving relationship.  Marriage material.  Going steady.  Something more substantive than a booty call.
I was thinking about how there is a huge life altering choice ahead.  And somehow, I have to make it.  Also, I had to get these two (four) men out of the political media dance and into perspective I can understand. This is the analogy that came to me as I massaged my scalp in the shower.

I've been seeing my current beau - Barack - for almost 4 years now.  The relationship started with ferocity.  It was whirlwind romance at it's best, with courtship and promises galore.  We had similar, but not totally identical ideals, and I could deal with that.  (Ok, he is seeing another woman and has kids - but no one is perfect)  Honestly, I really can't give him too hard of a time, because I came with SUCH baggage from my last relationship.  It was a wonder I even tried to commit again.  But I did, and now I need to reevaluate my feelings.

Along comes Mitt, and I have to say, his approach was quite clumsy and while I do fall for goofy people, this was not the same thing.  This was a clumsy arrogance I couldn't really get comfortable with. I didn't like that a servant he ironed his jeans. Oddly, this is AFTER I sorted through a truckload of other potential suitors.    Newt was such a hypocrite.  I think he secretly wanted to create a harem.  Rick was, well... not the brightest bulb.  I'm still a little hooked on the sexual tension I got from Ron Paul.  *shiver*  But he never called back.  McMillan wouldn't stop shouting, and in a crowded movie theatre, it was embarrassing.  Herman refused to consider a gluten-free pizza and then I found out he had a bunch of crusts on the side.  Santorum left a bad taste in my mouth.  Michele kept wandering around my house  barking and telling me to call Miss Cleo.

So I had to take both guys on the things I knew - things I knew for myself or by virtue of actual verifiable facts.  I didn't want a hack private dick to follow them around, so I stalked them myself.

Mitt was new.  He was almost exciting.  Then he spoke.  I was bummed.  He seemed to be against most things I was for - but I don't count people out for that.  I consider that just because someone isn't FOR something doesn't mean they would go out of their way to create barriers, obstacles, or actual legislation against that same thing for others.  Oh.... wait... Crap.

I get along really well with Barack's pal Joe.  He's unpredictable, and sometimes he puts his foot in it, but you know where you stand with Joe, and he's fun at a BBQ.  He's also really cool with my eclectic bunch of friends.  At first I thought he'd be standoffish, but it turns out he even encouraged my man to take a deeper look and accept them like one of his own.  I thought he had tourrettes, but it turns out he just spits out what he's thinking and likes interesting words.  At least it's what he actually thinks!

I tried to have dinner with Mitt's best friend Paul.  It was a disaster!  We all went out to dinner, but it wasn't "fancy" enough for him.  Then we were invited to a small art gathering and he was grumpy and moody, saying that my friends were evil and he's against all the stuff they do.  He couldn't wait to get into office to ban a bunch of rights to protect his marriage and please his God.  I asked him about LGBT stuff and he thought it was a lunch sandwich.  I got a little pissed off, and when I stood up, I knocked a glass of soda onto the lap of the gentleman next to me.  Paul promptly had him arrested for murder because he thought the guy ejaculated in him pants, and then he wept for the "peoplehoods" who had perished in that guy's khakis.  Top it off, someone was playing RATM at the party and he started humming along.   Turns out he thought the band name was a play on words about a human ATM machine.  He never knew any lyrics, and no one likes the poser at the party who doesn't know the lyrics.

I love guns.  I know, shocker to some of my friends, but going north to the ranges and learning about different kinds and shooting them in safety and even owning some in a legal and safe fashion for fun sporting or for personal protection - I'm gooooooood with it.  So's Barack.   He's never indicated or even tried to implement otherwise, although others keep telling me he's going to take them.

So, after thinking long and hard about these issues, I came to the conclusion that I needed to give my relationship more time.  I mean, I wasn't kidding when I said I was a mess when we met - so how could I expect him to cut through all that crap and make my life perfect in four years?  It wasn't possible.  I'm NOT going to lie...  I do feel let down.  In many many ways, I feel like he let down the hopeful little girl I was by not following through on all the things he promised.  However, those are still things I want to get done, and if everyone broke it off with their significant honey just because they weren't getting all the "honey-do" list items done when we want them done - no one would be in a relationship anymore.  Also, it seems like my alternative would be someone I don't know.  At least - even in the beginning - I knew what Barack stood for.  With Mitt, I didn't like his ideals very much, but even those have been shaky from the start.  There is too much questionable information about and even from him. He reminds me of the guy who uses the good linen to make a pointy-hooded "ghost costume".  Don't get me started on Paul - just keep him away from my uterus.  So, while I might have been able to get through having differences of opinion, it's hard to do that when you can't figure out just what those people's opinions are.  And the few that they stand firm on go against my very core values and beliefs - right down to the probability of pushing members of my country, society, and family out of basic human rights and forcing us into a bizarre theologically based political platform of policy that doesn't have a plan to fund it or a basis of proven record.

So, congrats to my guy.  I'm behind him for this run.  I'm sure the next 70-something days will be filled with pandering, mudslinging, and gross misleasing claims on both sides - as this is the political toilet we've evolved into - but I'm trying to stay informed and open and positive. Granted, I'd love to be able to stand up and shout for him the way I did 4 years ago, but he'll have to regain my trust and earn that.  For now, I'll keep dreaming of Hillary the woman who almost came between us and being grateful for at the very least knowing the basic ideas he stands for.

Resumé

Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.

 ~Dorothy Parker

Lemme Hear You! Yeah, YOU!

Hello good heathens!  This is a shockingly short post.  Yep.  I actually want to know how all of YOU are doing.  Whether you know me personally or not.  I've been posting and spilling gory guts out on here for a while, so I'd like to hear from others for a bit.  Tell me some likes and dislikes.  Tell me your opinion on anything you feel strongly about.  I'll start:  I love the ease of paper plates and plastic utensils, but the guilt of creating more trash consumes me. 

Your turn!  Put it in comments, and I'll create some posts from it. Or, share a poem you've written.  Whatver.

Keeping Y'All in Da Immigration Loop-Da-Loop

It's been a couple of weeks, and I haven't really said anything in a while.  Mostly, I'm avoiding blogging it because I'll Blommit all over the keyboard, blooking up chunks of emotional ranting that will spiral into non-cohesive bullspunk and end up as angry gibberish dancing across the screen.  It'd be like I was typing out the works of Ms. Shakespeare, using the Widget Font. 

So, there is a culmination going on this weekend.  It's a big deal, but after a long time of fretting and basically going through the death grief cycle of anger, depression, bargaining, acceptance and so on, I've rebounded. We are more focused and positive.  We aren't looking right at our noses.  We're looking forward.  While details aren't going to be out to the masses yet on what's up this weekend, just know it's another step toward the ultimate goal, and we will make this one, just like we've made the rest.  Those of you who do know what's we're up to - ALL the positive vibes you can muster are happily and greedily accepted. 

In related news, all of this is not amounting to nothing.  Confused?  You should be.  What I mean is, all of this fighting the good fight, standing up for what's right, arguing for Equality for EVERYONE, within no one religion, race, sex, or choice being allowed to squelch any others - that will continue WITH A VENGEANCE.  

HOW?


We Will Fight With Our Kitten Armies!

Look for progress on the newly updated site for http://www.uafawatch.com/.  Look for us to be in the fray at political events.  Look for us to be championing the cause for those who just cannot do so for themselves.  Look for us to use sensible arguments, proof, and logic to counter bias, hatred and ill will.  Help us in this.

 I hate broaching this, or beating the poor, mange-ridden decomposing horse, but I'm going to remind everyone that on this site above this post is a Donation button through Paypal that is labeled "Dept of Defense". If anyone can, or knows anyone who can spare a couple of dollars using this to help with this cause, it's appreciated.  We know it's rough out there right now.  We're living it right next to you.  We want to continue to be here to fight. 

It's not "Do Unto Others As Long As You Agree"...

I'm having a hard time trying to sit here and write this post.  Seriously.  I swing from wild anger to amazement and befuddlement.  I cannot fathom that this issue is still something to be argued about.

Do unto others.  It's such a simple rule, yet humans who believe in this rule - religiously or as a standard rule to live by - have managed to fuck it up with their own selfish purposes.  Follow me on this, because I may take some detours to get there.

I have an idea for a story that if it's not yet made, shall be mine - so the following is written with a caveat containing copyright and trademark citation.  I think I've seen a few movies written in the perspective of opposite/ironic points of view that are meant to make people stop and think about expanding their view to be accepting of others.  Notice - I did not use the term "tolerant".  I love that word.  I use that word.  I can BE that word at times.  It seems, however that the general population is against that term, some people arguing that they should not have to be tolerant of someone if they do not agree with whatever it is that person is doing that is so disagreeable.

Eye of the Beholder

An example of this is one of my favorite Twilight Zone episodes, "The Eye Of The Beholder" where a woman is supposed to undergo an urgent last-ditch surgery performed by STATE doctors to make her look "normal". Of course, the reveal (spoiler) shows that the rest of the population's "normal" is a twisted facial disfigurement, and the woman is considered hideous to them by their standards.  I like that reminder, and the message is very bold for 1960.

Interracial Marriage?  

I've seen some campy renditions of shows that try to give a turnaround perspective, for example, if white people were plantation slaves or the oppressed side of apartheid.   I saw a short that involved the specific situations of a reversed Rosa Parks incident as well as segregation of bathrooms, schools, drinking fountains and so on.   The thought of interracial marriage was an abomination because no self respecting black person would ruin the purity of his or her race in such a way!  To hear this today makes it seem laughable - but it is in fact the truth of what was done to groups of people all over the world by so many other groups and for so many "reasons" that all boil down to the same smoldering truth that pervades our society.  We are intolerant bigots who have not learned from the mistakes of our history.

In 1950, this country was finally beginning (just beginning) to put an end to segregation.  We now look back at the Holocaust and say with certainty how horrible and wrong to slaughter a group based on race, hair color, religion, eye color etc.  So what are we doing now?  Choosing the next group?

It might seem silly to some people, and I've even actually had more than a handful of african american and black friends tell me it's a sin to compare that civil rights movement to the movement of gay rights - but I see it as a clear cut case of fighting for Human Rights.  I think that without setting my soapbox on fire, I need to say very quickly that I have no illusions about "knowing" what anyone in any group that I was not a part of went through.  To say "I understand" would be an insult.  So it is with me as well.  This is not a joke.  People are dying through bullying, suicide, hate crimes, and so much more.   it seems stupid to me, not to make the comparison.  It is not right for ANY group to limit the rights and freedoms of ANY OTHER group simply because you do not agree with them.

Tolerance?

Do unto others... I'm back to this now.  Ok.   So, what if, by my own decree, I announce that all heterosexuals are an abomination to my God, and they therefore cannot marry, vote, teach in schools, or use the same bathroom facilities.   Ok, I'm going overboard - or am I?  MY GOD, YOUR GOD, THEIR GOD, NO GOD - we have the right to worship (or not worship) whatever god(s) we so choose.  Here is where I might lose friends.  I believe that the selfish individuals inhabiting this Earth are manipulating the very things they want to protect.  Basic Human Rights cannot be determined by religion. If you truly believe in a Christian God, then you truly believe that every single creature on this Earth shall be judged by your God, and only your God.  "Judge Not, lest Ye Be Judged" is omitted from the passages that are spat in my face when I am at a support rally for Equality.  "Love Thy Neighbor" is never one of the themes I hear when people are referring to their reasoning and their God as to why I should not be allowed to do something.  I can pick and choose passages to suit my needs in an argument as well.

NOT ok.

However, the point of my tirade here is simple - we shouldn't even be having this argument.  We as a society have overcome our shortcomings and the horribly askew things we have done to many people, yet we continue to repeat the same mistakes using the same arguments, and now it's a louder argument because some of the people spewing hatred and bias are the very people who fought their way out only decades ago.   DO UNTO OTHERS

Would YOU appreciate it if it was up to a vote as to whether or not you could marry someone you loved?

Would it be ok if anyone who is married to someone from another country have their marriage immediately revoked and their loved one deported?

Would you be okay with someone telling you that your religion is wrong, and you are not allowed to believe as you do?

Would you be okay with being treated differently based upon any aspect of who you are?

Think long and hard about what you take for granted - growing up, getting a job, going to school, marrying your love, raising kids, getting old and planning retirement, being there for your family....

Now take those options and severely limit most of them, and take others away completely.  That's is what the Equality for ALL movement is about.

No one is saying that everyone can be a millionaire or own corporations, or go to the best schools or live in a dream house.

But EVERYONE is born with the option, ability and Equal Right to strive for it.

Vanilla Chai Tea, How I Love Thee! -A Guest Post from Christy Cole Quast

I have recently discovered (much to my already calorically-challenged dismay) Dunkin Donuts Vanilla Chai tea at my local DD near my office. Their mint hot chocolate is good, too--and nothing beats the SBUX Peppermint Mocha Latte, but I am here to talk about Dunkin. Seems that this delightfully sinful & seasonal hot beverage only comes in a Medium size. Do I look like a Medium gal to you?

So this morning I asked my guy, Raj, what was up with that--how come I can't get a large, or an extra-large--because I love them so much? So he shrugs and says matter-of-factly "so you buy another one when that one is done." That is a brilliant, almost dumber-than-a-bag-of-hammers marketing ploy, but I have to say it works! They're $2.50 each and I get 2 per day (WHAT?! Don't judge me!) so they got me there.

I think to myself, I don't want to make the trip TWICE, and I don't want to buy 2 Medium cups to have on my desk while I drink one, and have the other one sitting all alone, cooling... depressed.


Why oh Why Can't I Be LARGE!?!

 So I decide to proposition Raj: will 2 Mediums fit in a Large cup? I'll pay for 2 Mediums, just put them in the same cup; Raj says it won't fit. *exaggerated eye-roll*

Then I ask, OK how about a Medium and a Small together in a Large cup; Raj says but we only sell Medium. *forehead slap*

I explain, yes, I know that--I will give you $6 (keep the change) if you just fill a Large cup with Vanilla Chai and charge me for 2 separate Mediums; Raj smiles and talks to me like I talk to my 4th grader--enunciating clearly, loudly and S-L-O-W-L-Y so I have a better chance at comprehending what he is trying to say: BUT THEY ONLY COME IN MEDIUM. *feels a migraine coming on*

Of course, this is 8:15am this morning, and the line was getting longer. And before the woman behind me could gouge my eyes out with one of those sharp plastic coffee stirrers, I capitulated and admitted defeat; Raj has won this round, but I'll be back tomorrow to try and wear him down. Oh yes--I recognize a challenge when I see one; you'd better brew with one eye open, Raj because I'M COMING FOR YOU!

Forget the Mayan Calendar - My Dreams Could Create Worldwide Panic!

I had a horrid night last night, with dreams within dreams that I struggled to awake from, only to find I was awake inside of another dream.  At times I was crouched and sweating on the floor of my room next to the bed trying to collate the fractured pieces of the dreams that  I could remember.  I'm going to stream of consciousness what I can right here and now to get  some of it out.  I will also note that several people I spoke to today have told me that last night was restless or nightmare ridden for them as well.  Interesting. 

So, here we go:  Familiar spaces, like homes I have lived in or stayed in all bungled into one string-like scene where everything took place.

Even in the dreams, I was mostly in a bedroom area, trying to stop something from clawing into the room through the wall.  Most times I got a glimpse of what/who was clawing, it was a small girl, dark and long hair, sometimes in anime fashion, sometimes in a very "The Grudge" way.



Just when I thought I had woken up, this essentially shit me awake.

At other times in the dream, it would switch to a perspective where I wasn't being hunted or haunted, but instead, it was up to me to keep people I love safe.  It was kind of a surreal Walking Dead/American Horror Story Basement/Resident Evil landscape.  It was trippy.  No cars worked, no escapes were possible, but I had to fight off evil and clever monsters.  One such resembled her


Continual battle of the pointy teeth and my flesh.

No matter how hard I tried, I was torn to bits, and someone I cared for took a decent hit/got a chunk taken from them.  I continued to wake partly, into another dream where I was in my actual room - every detail was correct - but I wasn't really awake, and I couldn't move well, and inevitably something was coming for me and I had no defenses.  Once it would get within striking distance, it would lunge, and I would muster up enough to physically scream myself awake.  This happened several times.  I finally gave up, stopped hyperventilating, and stayed awake for the rest of the early morning. 

It wasn't just in my 'hood'.  I got the impression that it was happening all over, and that I was only privy to seeing what was directly around me or what impacted me.  I did note that I never felt as though Lisa was in danger, so I guess the south is protected in some way.



Look how the monster hides behind a little fishy.



Pity, Not So Much of a Party.

Forgive the whimper, but better that than wine....  Oh!  The puns!

Seriously though, this has been my frame of mind for a while now, and I'm wondering if I've reached a breaking point.  Thinking back - some of you know from my earlier stuff that I started addictions early.

Me Grocery Shopping circa 1976

I've been a quietly sober adult for somewhere around 17+ years now.  I did it the hard way, and I did it many times in the beginning, but it's been a solid run for about 16 years.  A lot of folks will tell you that 'you ain't done it right if you only done it once...' heh - I digress.

Now I'm having a horrible crisis of staying power.  I'm up to my neck in troubling issues - but who isn't in this crazy world?  I'm reaching the point where it's frustrating me that so many people can turn off the bright fractured light that scorches my eye sockets daily.  I feel pain, sadness, fear beyond belief every day for the last few months.  I do all I can to control it, and deal with it.  At the end of most days, I'm talking myself down from a panic attack just to get to sleep for a few hours.  So, I'm fretting hard because in my mind, I'm convincing myself that I've been soooooooo gooooooood for sooooooo loooooong that I should be fine if I just grab a quick drink or two.  And I know where that thought process leads, but I'm seriously not feeling all that compassionate towards myself in this predicament.  I see close friends and family who obliterate themselves in the name of self pity, and I think "Why can't I take a little pity on the rocks for myself as well?"  I'm very confident that I wouldn't escalate from a Jack 'n Coke to a needle.  I really think that I can control myself, but the tiny bit of doubt has me sweating.  What if I'm wrong?  What if I undo all those years of work?  Sometimes I get selfishly grumpy that no one has to know my suffering about NOT being able to drink until I no longer have to think about shit.  I get to hear about how others had a bad day, so they are off to forget about it.  I can't forget.  I am not allowed to use the shut off valve any more, and it really really fucking sucks.  So, for now, I'll post stupid demotivational pics on here and convince myself that I'm just being a whiny bitch and go drink some fucking tea.  Yeah me.  Woo.

HS Graduation?

I've seen so many toilets, and loved them all!

Yeah.  I had those friends too. 

Keep on WALKEN!!

Yeah Yeah...  I'm the mistress of bad puns, but I can't help it.  I just wanted to share something non-law suit related that isn't depressing and whiny.  So, I want to give a quick mega-mega thumbs up to a flick I just caught on cable last night.  (I can tell I'm getting old - I just called a movie channel on tv "cable")   I stumbled across it last night, and I will watch any-fecking-thing that has Christopher Walken.  Serious, funny, violent, sweet - I don't care.  He is THE MAN. 


I digress.  So I found The Addiction last night and I was transfixed.   First, Abel Ferrara made a visual stunner.  A very high contrast B&W brought out the perfection of the moods in ever scene.  Stellar performance by Lili Taylor.  I was shocked to see Anabella Sciorra, Edie Falco, Kathryn Erbe, and a few others I recognized.  The general gist is the idea of Vampirism in a more visceral, real form centered in NYC with a huge emphasis on status, philosophy, good vs. evil and in-depth theories of addiction.  The addiction side is not a hidden theme, as it's literally compared to drug addiction, even going so far as to have Walken's character (a long time vamp who has retrained his body to adapt to not feeding, and to eat, sleep and behave in human society) say to Taylor's younger and uncontrolled vamp character "You know how long I've been fasting? Forty years. The last time I shot up, I had a dozen and a half in one night. They fall like flies before the hunger, don't they? You can never get enough, can you? But you learn to control it. You learn, like the Tibetans, to survive on a little."   She briefly attempts this, meanwhile achieving her pre-vamp goal of her PhD, only to be unable to resist the blood lust; and with the help of her fledglings slaughter the very faculty and staff after graduation at a small soiree  Taylor has a very drug-OD moment in the streets of NY and the voice says "We drink to escape the fact we're alcoholics. Existence is the search for relief from our habit, and our habit is the only relief we can find." in a poignant reference to why she did it.  I've never felt as though someone could capture the true feeling of that kind of addiction, but it truly was perfect. 



It does get a little obtuse at times, venturing into almost pretentious goth emo-ism, however, these tangents aren't long lasting, and Taylor more than convinces you that even if you aren't understanding what she's saying, it's of vital importence and you let it go.  I get the deeper meanings I wasn't thrilled at all with the ending, which appeared to be a vague and uncertain copout, but then again, I might have missed something. I really enjoyed when Taylor lays out her horror at what she is, in the grand scheme of the world, and yet the wording is perfect to open it to every individual, of humans as one race - "I finally understand what all this is, how it was all possible. Now I see, good lord, how we must look from out there. Our addiction is evil. The propensity for this evil lies in our weakness before it. Kierkegaard was right - there is an awful precipice before us. But he was wrong about the leap - there's a difference between jumping and being pushed. You reach a point where you are forced to face your own needs, and the fact that you can't terminate the situation settles on you with full force."  All in all, Taylor and my beloved Walken give amazing performances that demand to be watched with riveted eyes.   I strongly recommend this flick!  It's not available for rental, as far as I can find.  I think you'd need to look it up on your cable provider.  It's worth it!

And now, MY moment of Walken...