A Flurry, a Smattering, or a Downright Blizzard?

Today has been a day full of emotions, and I'm not really coherent enough to discuss them, but I need to lay them out because if I don't, they will eat me from the inside out, and I'll wake up in an ice bath.

I have issues with noise, which I probably attribute to my ADD. If there's too much going on around me, then the blood starts rushing around my head and makes me dizzy and irritable. So began our morning.

As I write this, the TV is on in the other room, the dishwasher just started up, and the roommate is making himself dinner. I blame this on nobody but myself, but my mental state just can't handle all the different things occurring, none of which require my attention, but all of which demand it.

Today was our beloved niece's birthday, and being as ill-prepared as I ever am (ok, I'm actually going to legitimately blame this one on working 12 days straight, nearing 10 hours a day), we ran to a local store to purchase a befitting gift. We were probably in the store for no more than 10-15 minutes, but returned to this:




Yeah, someone just went ahead and etched a huge ole "X" into the side of the Mini. I hate this shit. I don't know if it was just pure random rage on someone's part, the rainbow flag hanging from the mirror, or the Immigration Equality sign in the footwell, but it pisses me off. And rest assured, if I'd caught him, he'd be swinging from his balls right now while I granted him the same treatment.

It just so happened that there was a policeman in the parking lot, so my sweetie beckoned him over, and he began his write-up. We left him to it, as we were already late by this time, and didn't want to be show-stealers or anything like that once we finally made it to the party.

The wee one is just gorgeous, and coming on in leaps and bounds. She's walking around all over the place, chomping down Jello, and while looking you straight in the eye and smiling sweetly, will declare "Bye", when she wants to be left alone. One of her moms' best friends was visiting from out of town, with the three small children she has been fostering with the intention to adopt. Their parents had huge drug problems, not to mention the domestic abuse going on: seemed Daddy liked to beat his wife and eldest son, K. Mommy was given the chance to get her children back if she left Daddy, but she decided he was more important. So Melissa has paperwork in to adopt these adorable kids: K is around 3, M is his little brother, and is about 2, and then there's the baby sister A, who is three weeks younger than our niece.

I spent almost the entire afternoon either distracting A from when Mommy was going out of the room, or chasing M around the house. K is very shy; he's probably the only one old enough to remember, even subconsciously, the life that came before what is now being dangled before him. He warms up eventually, though. Towards the end of our visit, K found the big sharp knife meant for cutting the birthday cake on the table, and had it in his hand when Mommy caught him and yelled.

Oh my goodness, you've never seen a little boy have such a breakdown. And she's holding him and rocking with him on the sofa, and he's just shrieking. What really got me were the words she was whispering to him:

"I'm not going to hit you. I was so scared you were going to hurt yourself, and that's why I shouted. I love you. I will always love you."

Yeah, that's pretty much the point at which I lost it. This tiny little family, Mommy doing it all on her own (and a DAMNED fine job, if I might add), and they just need her so much. It was heart-breaking.

Before we left, he was up and about again, shoving cake into my mouth with M, and giggling at my chomping on his fork, but I just wanted to grab him and hold him and tell him nobody was going to hurt him, ever again. I think they're going to be taking up space in my mind for quite a while to come.

A mini clarification

I was on the phone with my father yesterday for a brief spell: nothing serious, just catching up on life, the universe, and everything in between, including a bizarre intellectualization of Lady Gaga and her capitalizing on the odd and obscure.

The ending note of the conversation: I had been telling my father of certain troubles that have been plaguing us of late.

Dad: "Do you need me to send some money your way, in the interim?

Me: "No thanks, Dad, I think we'll be ok."

Dad: "Oh good. I just bought you that Mini for Christmas!"

*pause to think*

Me: "Dad! That was a keychain!"

Dad: "Semantics, Daughter-Dear."

Once More, With Feeling

Again and Again I speak about the 'hotel' I work in. It's usually quips of the ridiculous that happen, or a triumphant event that really makes me proud of the job I do. I hope you enjoy that as much as I enjoy writing it, but this time I need to (surprise) rant.

Some of you know the predicament management has created within our small contingent of specialized workers. It's ugly, unfair, and downright immoral. We stood up for ourselves, however, and are fighting every step of the way for our livelihood.

Today, we took a few steps backwards, and we're again embattled in the fight for our basic needs and a fair contract. I can't go into details here (lest I Dooce myself) but I'd appreciate all the kind thoughts and encouragement you can spare - and perhaps if anyone knows a good labor relations attorney, that'd be even better. We are an army of five, so our funding is small.

Enough groveling. Thanks for the ear/shoulder/lap. Hear from you soon.

Suck it HARD

Yep. That's all for today. Your job is to decipher.

Is it:

Advice?
Demand?
Plea?
Statement?
Descriptive?
Wish?
Other: ____________?


Yeah, I'm burnt from this week. I'll be in the city for a show tonight, so photos of the debauchery shall be posted. Have a great night, all.

On A Roll

Ok, after writing that last post, I feel insanely happy and invigorated. Follow me here, it's related -

No matter what's happened in the past, no matter what I can expect in the future, I am giggly and gobsmacked to have the most wonderful woman in the world with me.

Yep. It's insane, and I can't express what an amazing feeling it is to wake up every day and think to myself - there is this freaky English chippy, right next to me. She knows all my secrets - the worst I've done, the best I've tried for, my failures and my success, the horrible me and the not as horrible me - and she knows and loves me for it all. I have nothing to hide, I have nothing to fear, and it is a freedom I have never felt in my life.

I wish it for each and every person who stumbles across our humble blog.

Ok, I now return you to our regular types of blog posts, filled with amusement, random thoughts and observations, and likely - talk about excrement.

For putting up with my last 2 soppy posts, here's a picture:

Apologies to the Past, with grateful tones and love to the future.

*warning - I am on an emotional sop kick atm. Read if you want, but I wrote it for myself.*


Today was one of those days: snowing hard, working the late shift in the "hotel", and with very few officers in the department today, there was a lot of time where my brain wandered. Oh fuck it, it packed a hobo bag and jumped a train without a destination.

It went to a very odd place, and I told Lisa about it when she brought me some coffee at HQ. I have NO clue what I did to deserve this woman, but I do not take it for granted and I have spent the better part of five years trying to be certain that I never do. Anywhoodle, in the freakish mindset I was in, it wandered to times and days that were less than stellar for me. I wasn't perseverating on the horrible things that happened to me in the past, but rather, the people in my past whom I've either wronged, not exactly righted, or who believe I wronged them in some way even if I am not aware of what transpired. Some of these people have blotted me from their lives, some are on the periphery where they exist but will not reach out or reach back if I do, and some are in my life again.

I found a few of these people (boredom combined with resources and detective/research skills = the ability to locate just about anyone on the planet). I was even able to locate a recent photo of one of the people, and she looks great - happy, healthy, and just as I remember her. It saddened me that something went so horribly wrong that I was eliminated from their life without a second thought. It really hurt. I felt like it wasn't right. then I took some of the time I was using to search and feel this way to realize that it doesn't matter a good goddamn what I think or feel about it. The only thing that matters is their reasoning. While I thought for a good number of years that I had grown a great deal, and that I had really come a long way mentally, emotionally, and physically - I was still hung up in a "But that's not fair! Why won't they talk to me and just work it out like adults!!?? Move on and be grateful that we're all alove and living happily??" Right there in my face was a huge stumbling block that kept me from being the strong and fair minded, compassionate and loving Buddhist that I believed I was. i was so focused on how I felt about it that I didn't think - "Well, maybe it's better for THEM to hate me. Maybe it makes whatever easier on them." That's the key.

I hate when I'm a moron and it takes a day like this to help me see something so basic and simple. I'm glad i did though. So, a shout out to a few of the wonderful people who were a part of my life in some way, and who have chosen to go a different path. It's sad in a way for me, because I could see such amazing relationships with some of these people, especially now that I know who and what I am in this world. I can only thank them for helping to create a part of me in the time that I knew them.

Thanks Carolyn, K, J, and R, Kathy, Alanna, Elzabeth, and a huge loving thank you to Barbara - You didn't leave by choice, but your death has always been one of the greatest losses I suffered in this world. Thank you for loving me the way you did. I carry you with me every day, and all of the lessons we learned together. Namaste, my love.

Huge love and thanks to all of my friends and family now. You all know who you are, and I am grateful to have you all, in all the countries and places you are - you dwell most in my heart. Not the least of whom is my love and fellow zombie-killing, meditation-chanting, clumsy-walking love. Thanks Gazelle. :) I'm glad you know me at this time in my life, when I have so much to give back to you.

Enjoyment

Yesterday, I deviated from my norm of shake-taking (this is an area reserved for a whole post of its own; for now, I shall leave it alone), and decided to do lunch with the work guys. We went to Chick-Fil-A and I grabbed a salad. Fascinating so far, right?

Anyway, the point of this lead-in is the conversation I had with the check-out guy. Is that what they're called? Check-out guys? Order-Taker? Remover-of-Finances?

Guy: Nice accent.

Me: Well thank you. I was born with it, so I can't really take much credit.

Guy: I enjoy it very much.

Enjoy? Seriously? Like, I could have dealt with. Even love. But enjoy...? I had sudden visions of him not being able to contain himself any longer, and that not being ranch dressing on my salad.

In this case, I happen to think the job title 'Creepazoid' fits him quite nicely.

Ok, with head low and spirits shot

Another fantabulous holiday season, brought to me by my incomprehensible guilt and empathy for other people. I just need to throw this question out to the cyber world and hope I get some half intelligent responses. Let's see.

**Keep in Mind, I will NOT give personal details about this person. I will respect his privacy the best I can.**

How do you help someone who protests that they DO NOT WANT help?

Before you say something snarky like "You don't" or "Why bother" - the complication comes in a few layers. For instance - I adore this person. They've been a best friend to me for about 6+ years now. I would've trusted him with my life. He accepts me for who I am, and is supportive of and understanding about the various things that effect Lisa and I being together. We share a home and a mortgage together. I went into this knowing that I could trust him, and knowing that it would be an equal split all the way as things have been in the past.

He has festered in a bad place for as many years as I've known him now. When we met, I told him I'd help him get through it and move on with his life. That was 6+ years ago now, and although I may have tapered off how much enthusiasm I've put into supporting him and encouraging him to heal and move on, this has not happened to any degree in ALL of this time. I've spent so much of my own life feeling his despair and depression. I've fought through my own issues at the same time I continued to deal with his. You know how when someone you love is hurting and in such a bad place that it's transferred a lot to you? That's the way it is.

Things came to a head this week, and things were said and done that made him angry. Never once did I waver in my promise to be here for him, but I did say in no uncertain terms that the duration of this state of mind, and the unwillingness he has to change it is unacceptable. this brought us to an impasse, because rather than see what it's doing to him, his family, and his friends including me and our household - he is steadfast in his determination to suffer and demands to be left alone about it. I don't know if anyone reading this knows what it's like to live with someone in this state of mind, but it's almost as painful as if you were the one going through it all. I've been going through this for 6 years, all the while having this other side of me going through my own life, health, love, work and world issues. I'm torn in two, and yet he sees none of this, and I'm not the martyr to point it out - because that's not the point.

The point of this is to ask - HOW DO I CHANGE THIS?? How do you make someone care when they don't want to care about themselves?

I can't take much more, and I've already begun looking through apartment ads, because I'd rather give up the home I've put so much of myself and my heart into then continue to drain myself of all the good I once was.

Bless This Mess

One of the reasons we've been so absent of late is that we've been working diligently on perfecting our humble abode. It's a beautiful little place, and full of potential, which we're helping it to realize. Our latest project has been the main bedroom. When we first moved in, this is how it looked:



It's looked like this for the last two years (more recently minus the boxes), and we finally accepted that now was the time for a change. So, our Bodhi present to each other was a new bedroom set; and seeing as we were going to have new furniture, we decided to go the full hog and repaint the room itself too. My sweetie has always hated that sea-blue on the walls, and honestly, it could be a little nauseating. So we decided upon Turkish Coffee, and Limestone as our colors and got to work.

This is the semi-finished product:



And the difference between the colors can be seen in this picture:



There is also a bench to put together for the end of the bed, which will be our project for this snow-day, but overall, we think it's a very positive change. And it's been so nice to put pieces of ourselves into the fabric of the house. Of course, I can't step into Home Depot without having to squelch an overwhelming desire to purchase insulation. I'm not even sure what I'd use it for, but I want it.

Adipose I Should Do About This?

Oh, my self-deprecating humor knows no bounds! Adipose Who else could configure the anatomical wording for fat into a blog post title? Just ginormous me!

I am embarking on a serious and intensive weight loss/health gain program starting in a few weeks. I don't want to go into the details of it, or the name of it for now. I just want to get working on it and see how it all goes. I'll update you all on the progress if desired. I'm thinking of trying to be brazen enough to take some honest photos of myself as things progress. I'm a bit scared of that, so I'm still just pondering it.

So, if you don't hear from me in a few months, assume that I died and the kitten feasted on my corpulent, uh... corpse.