Department of Defense

Department Of Defense

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Stupid Turkey!

It's that time of year, when we gather around the table to worship the poultrilicious offering that we enjoy shoveling stale bread up the ass of, cooking, then hacking into every November. After the food coma, some people hide away for the day, others begin to draw strategic maps and equip stealth outfits to sneak from the house early the next morning to slash and hack their way through the Black Friday sales. Still others will vegetate in front of the football games and Macy parades.

This year you will find Lisa, Pahee and myself upstairs in the house, rolling paint and primer and hammering the last few nails before the flooring goes in. By the afternoon, I will get dressed and head off to CoffeeLand where I will work the full closing shift. Joy. About the same time, Pahee and Lisa will set off to Newark to see Tina Turner in concert - Lisa's B-Day pressie to Pahee.

(and did any of you know that Ms Turner has a birthday today - 69 years old!! Cripes! I hope to have legs like that and a functioning brain at that age, let alone be able to shake my ass while belting out songs to thousands of people... I'll most likely be a drooling mess if Lisa hasn't had me euthanized by then.)

So, if you are inclined, stop in and grab a cup of coffee and chat with me. If not, enjoy your day everyone no matter what your plans. Turkey, to-furkey, or a hungry man meal - just be happy. I'm off to measure Alice... she might make a pleasant change from the traditional fare.


***Oh, and a quick story to pass along that our dear friend Lynn in NH has relayed to us a bunch of times - the turkeys on her brother in law's farm are completely stupid, and every year they lose a few to "natural accidents" - the look up to see what is hitting them in the head when it's raining, and many of them drown. Seriously. No joke. I feel less evil for eating them now.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Not Quite What I Was Expecting

Yesterday at work, one of our regular students came to me for some help. In the interests of setting the scene adequately, thus burning the very same images into your brain that currently torture me, I shall describe in minimal, but effective detail.

This student, let's call her Jasmine, is a tall black woman, in her 30s, with two large...ahem...attributes that often befall women of her ethnic background. Her personality can only be referred to as 'needing-to-switch-to-decaf.' She's very lovely, but completely overwhelming with a mouth that never stops moving.

Jasmine is doing a report on "I Dream of Jeannie", and needed my help getting a small movie clip to show up in PowerPoint. So, I tell her to grab a computer, and I'll help her out. We started up a new PowerPoint presentation, and I clicked on the 'Insert Media Clip' icon. There were three movie files stored in the My Documents folder, innocuously titled 1, 2, and 3. I'm only running through it quickly as an example, and to see if it works, so I select the third file. It pops up.

Well, to be more precise, what pops up is a pornographic video. With reaction speeds known only to Lewis Hamilton, I closed the file. Instantly. I'm blushing, Jasmine is yelling "Oh my God, who would have something like that on their computer?!". So, I did a quick Ctrl+Alt+Del.

Yeah, you guessed it: it was her computer.

Think it stops there? Far from it. Yes, I might have lightning fast reaction skills, but I also have a photographic memory. Not only was it Jasmine's video; it was also Jasmine in the video. Naked, spreadeagled, and did I mention the size of the mouth earlier?

Some things...just can't be unseen.

Friday, November 21, 2008

The Trouble With Badgers

I will have to take some photos and post them, but I am a little unsettled. I think this man in our home is a doppelganger. I fear the real Pahee is being held captive - perhaps by a band of very unruly female badgers who jumped him in the airport terminal and are holding him hostage to impregnate them so they can raise a hybridbadger race that have little fashion sense, a great accent, and less hair - and they sent us a decoy to keep us from looking for him.

The mistake they made? The replacement "guy" arrived with this awesome manly facial hair, a solid dark button up shirt and a flannel coat.

Ha! Silly Badgers. I know better. The real Pahee screams like a girl and wears salmon colored shirts. I've also not known him to allow his head to compete with his face for hair. He's not that cruel to his head.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Swinging From The Rafters

I can no longer see from the 2nd floor of my house down through the basement! That means the evil, huge, loathsome project is nearing an end.

Putting aside my insurmountable frustration over the whole thing, I'll update you on the happy details of the rooms being completely rocked and mudded and ready for paint as of today. I am striking a deal with the same contractor (the one who is doing the sheet rock, did the original shell and framing work, did the rough plumbing, and did all the plans in general and I should have just had do the entire job to keep things simple and calm - but NOOO I'm a megagooberidiot©) to finish the job with hardwood floors through the top level. If it's a go, this can be done very soon, and before Pahee leaves! That means everyone can be in their respective rooms and living comfortably now. that has been my bigger issue all along. I can't stand putting people out.

Hopefully this will all work out. If not, look for my resume at the bottom of the Hudson River.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Ascending Steps From the Depths

Oooooh. That's right. I took left jabs, right hooks, body slams and more these past few weeks. I thought long and hard about making posts about it all. When it came down to it, I decided not to.

I didn't want to flood what I think is a perfectly good bloggity blog that entertains and informs people with unending wrapping whining text drivel that bemoans the ever asked - "Why Me!!??" with virtual sobbing noises and Nancy Kerrigan video clips I could have looped into the background. What caused all of this to come about? Let me only say, for a period of time I will not be addressing these topics:

~Progression of the house addition
~Status of my employment
~Tension levels at both places
~Status of the country
~Prop 8
~Health

and anything that begins with the letter "J". I'm not certain why... I'm just certain.

So, with nothing really said or done, let me move on to whatever the week brings us! Exciting news - Pahee will be arriving Wed to spend a nice bit of time with us. I'm looking forward to that! Good to be back.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Addendum

Approximately 10 minutes after this post yesterday, it was brought to my attention that Alice was hungry. Because her bowl had been licked clean of her hard, crunchy food.

Now I understand. Shower affection on those who might feed you. Just like her mother.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Clingy Kitty

Alice has been particularly clingy today, barely letting me out of her sight, and determined to climb on me when it looked as though I was attempting to do something else. Like work. Or breathe.



I guess Alice knows today has been a tough day for my sweetie (who I'm sure will update in due course), and in Barbara's absence due to the two jobs, has decided that I will have to accept all the love and support she has. It's a tough job, but I'll manage.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

On Irrational Adoption Fears

Sometimes, I don't know how Barbara puts up with me. Last night was one of those times.

For some reason, I have been desperately craving a baby recently, and not in that edible way. More in the Elvira hug-them-and-squeeze-them-and-love-them way. What with it not being something we're able to do soon for many reasons - some legalities, some financial - the question of "To Carry or to Adopt" has arisen. Last night, driving home, I was contemplating adoption. I was clearly low on medicinal dosage because my train of thought decided that, because I'm a little messed up, physically and mentally, it would be best to adopt. Besides, there are < insert huge large number here > of children who need love, and we have plenty of that to offer. With just a small side of insanity. And beetroot.

But - and here's where I flew off the rocker - I have a fear. I am irrationally afraid that I will have stupid expectations for our child, and when he or she falls short of those expectations, I will decide that we picked the wrong child. And want to take that one back and get the 'right' one.

I know, it's ridiculous. I even asked my girl last night what we would do if we got the name wrong. Like, 3 years down the line, we adopted another and decided that actually, this one fit the first one's name better. Thankfully, she only laughed until one side split, so the sutures were minimal.

So tonight, I'll be laying off the cheese/caffeine/crazy pills and trying not to think. I think that'd be best for everyone.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Visual Basic Variables

Today, while tutoring a student in Visual Basic, I referred to the variables in such a way as to incur an observation from her. I described the newly-declared variables as having that squiggly green line underneath them as a warning, rather than as an error message. The green line simply means that the variable hasn't been used yet, and serves as a reminder to the user that they're there. In essence, the variable is calling out: "Hey, don't forget about me!"

My student remarked that it was obvious I had children, and young ones at that. Imagine her surprise when I remarked that I was indeed the mother of a very troublesome minx of a 5-year-old cat. Hey, sometimes Alice needs things explained to her in simple terms.

Friday, November 7, 2008

What Started Out as Friendship Has Grown Stronger

On Monday afternoon, at approximately 4:45pm, my Adviser sent in my application for an EAD. Unless you absolutely have to, don't click on that link. Trust me. It's not worth the headache. I mean, I hope it will be worth the headache...you know what I mean. Pesky grammarians...always waiting for me to slip up.

Essentially what this means is that, all being well, I will be receiving a card in the next few months that will allow me to start work at the beginning of March, immediately after graduation. I'm really excited. It's such a cute little place, with phenomenal technology and just a really nice atmosphere. So far. Let me at least start working there before I notice the cracks!

Today, I popped in to spend a little time with DR and BossMan, among others, and got to talking with them. Naturally, the election came up, and with it, Prop 8. Somehow, I managed to convince BossMan that he should create a bumper sticker that says: Chickens, out of the closet; Gays, back in.

It was a really nice, cute little moment, and it makes me feel a fair bit safer knowing that BossMan is a huge raving liberal. And making a joke out of it almost made me forget the seriousness behind it. Until I got home and saw this cartoon:


By the genius, Tom Toles

So this is my obligatory political post, before I give up hope:





Stay strong, California. We're with you.

Discussions From The Dashboard

Short, sharp, and quick witted conversations are only one reason why I love L so very much. Tonight in the granny van:

Lisa: The Republican party is so concerned about the government staying out of their wallets. Yet, it's fine for the government to come into our bedrooms?

Me: Wait, what if I keep my wallet in our bedroom? What then?

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Right Place, Right Time

As I stepped outside to take some pictures of the house this morning (we're still in the middle of all the construction, so I feel it is somewhat justified, even if just as a progress account), I was greeted by Mr. Squirrel at the bottom of the driveway. I just happened to have the camera around my neck, and managed to snap a few pics of him and his ginormous nut. Way to go, Mr. Squirrel. May you and your family feast for days!







Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Look What the Gays are Doing to the Soil

I am not coherent or rational enough today to be able to properly express myself with the elegance and lucidity that my love did, so I'm just going to leave you with a picture. I think it pretty much sums up my feelings right now.

How long until we realize just how socially unequal we are behaving? What will it take? Perhaps it's time for The Gays to get tax breaks since they don't enjoy equal protection or the same rights as others. That seems fair, right? Not enough of a person to marry who I choose? Screw your taxes, then.

The More Things Change, The More They Stay The Same

Welcome to the 100th post of the SheSquared blog! We are thrilled to have you all here, and thank you, as always, for allowing us to entertain you. We hope you continue to consider us as family. Get your feet off my coffee table.

So, the big night is over. My hope was that after all votes were tallied and everyone settled down, this country could begin to focus on unity, equality, and tolerance as we move forward. I'm not sombamaone who believes you should present your obamaliefs about your voting chobamices, but I'm sure people will draw cobamaclusions as to mine. So, I am hopeful for the future of the nation. I am disheartened, however, about the number of places where state by state, people voted to increase hatred and discrimination. California somehow passed Prop 8 by an insanely narrow margin, but it passed. Bigots and religious fear mongers everywhere are rejoicing and celebrating, most likely by burning the goats and sheep they just had sex with.

I am not giving up hope. It is my hope that someday, one of our political leaders will understand that our country has the separation of church and state. To think it should be any other way is ignorant. There are so many religions and churches - how is any one particular one supposed to be able to claim to be "the one" church in that equation? To have it be their values and preferences that should be imposed upon the nation? The state/nation is supposed to be protecting the rights and equal representation of it's citizens. That means all have the right to marry whom they choose. The churches also have rights. They have the right to refuse a ceremony to individuals who they feel violate their values. Therefore, all citizens should have the right to legal unions - a signed paper from the state decreeing that those two people are joined and are responsible for all state/legal matters that pertain to them and their children. If, after that, these people wish to have a ceremony, then it's up to the people having it to decide upon the venue and religion, if they choose one. The churches can say no to homosexual marriage. They won't have to sanctify it if they choose not to, however, they cannot interfere with the rights bestowed upon them by the federal government.

Why, I ask, does no one else see this? Why do all leaders think it is an all or nothing issue? Marriage is not a point to fight over. Legally, for equality for all citizens, it needs to be a federally recognized action available to every person who wishes to spend their lives with someone. This does not go against any church because it does not force them to 'perform' marriages or anything of the like if they do not want to. It's not like I'd want to beat down their door and force them to hold a ceremony for me when I know that the words coming from the priest would be seething contempt and hatred behind a glassy smile. I'd rather celebrate the happiest moment of my life with family and friends.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Overheard This Morning

A street corner, somewhere in Central New Jersey...we join them as their argument is nearing its close:

Girl: I can't believe you embarrassed me in front of my parents like that.
Boy: Eh, I'm sorry babe, things happen. You know how it is.
Girl: Right now I'm not sure I even want to continue this relationship.
Boy: Well, that's up to you. Me? I could go either way with it.

Now that's a man who knows how to talk to the ladies...